Twilight (2008)

Before you ask, yes, I am reviewing this. Not sure why, I think everything you can say about this film has already been said. But seeing as how they're releasing the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's 'The Host' this month, I figured I might as well look at the adaptation of 'Twilight'. Dear lord the only reason why I know the first film is because I got stuck in Coventry a couple years back due to snow, then my girlfriend at the time forced me to watch it again.

If you don't know the plot we find ourselves following Bella (Kristen Stewart) moving to a small town with her father (Billy Burke). There she makes quick friends with a supporting cast who I don't really care about, but she's more interested in one Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a guy who almost threw up at the sight of her. Jesus Rob, I know she's a bad actress but she's not that bad. Anyway as it turns out, he's a vampire. And she's in love. Awww.

I'll point out the main aspect here first. THEY'RE NOT VAMPIRES. I don't care if this is the cloudiest town in the universe, vampires do NOT go out in sunlight! Apart from Blade and some incarnations of Dracula, but seeing as how one is half-human and the other is considered the alpha vampire, we can let it slide. And this is despite the fact that in a fair few scenes, there is in actual fact sunlight! Oh and at one point we see his reflection. I am not an expert on vampire lore, but, apart from 'Twilight', vampires do NOT sparkle, nor do they cast a reflection! Also Edward can apparently read minds. Why? Other vampires like Alice (Ashley Greene) and James (Cam Gigandet) can predict the future and have super hearing respectively, but why? Are they 'Heroes'? I seem to recall vampires having some form of mind control, as well as the super strength and regenerative capabilities, but why do they seem to have different unique abilities? And why is Bella the Haitian? Nothing is explained! What, you think being a vampire is a good enough reason?

Whatever, let's get to the next main aspect, Kristen Stewart, since this is the franchise that made her career. And also showed that staring blankly into space can make you one of the most successful actresses in the film industry. I'll be fair, Stewart is not as bad as everyone says she is in this, she does show some life (Albeit not a lot) but for most of the film she is as much fun as paint drying.

Then again I suppose you can blame the actual character for that. Bella is just so damn depressing, her opening lines pretty much make you want to kill yourself. She comes off as a sad, lonely person, for no real reason. She quickly gains many friends at her new school which leads to a good social life, she has guys falling head over heels in love with her, and yet she is constantly miserable. She has serious self-confidence issues. Hell, from the looks of it her main reason for being sad is leaving Arizona and her mother (Sarah Clarke), but the thing is it was her idea; "So I can't regret the decision to leave home". One of the things her new friends say is "Aren't people from Arizona usually tanned?", she responds with "Maybe that's why they kicked me out", no, you left on your own free will.

From what I can tell, her life in Phoenix wasn't all that great, she still lived with a single parent (Until her marriage), and actually went from a life where she didn't have any friends, to one where they were lining up down the block just to talk to her. Or at least that's what I got, we barely know anything about her life back in Arizona. Bella, is a bland, lifeless personality, she is suppose to represent a young girl but fails on so many levels, she will challenge you to even connect with her, let alone like. She literally wants to be with Edward forever, even though they have only known each other for, what, five days?

Edward next. Robert Pattinson, what can I say? You had a good role as Cedric in 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Then you did this, a character who has as much a personality as Bella, but more hypocritical and creepy. Seriously, after nearly throwing up at the sight of her, he distances himself from her, before turning up again and talking to her. He then says "We shouldn't be friends". Well Edward, the best way to do that is to, I don't know, stop socialising with her! "I only said we shouldn't be friends not that I didn't want to be" (Edward) "What does that mean?" (Bella) "It means if you were smart you'd stay away from me" (Edward)...how about YOU stay away from HER?! Oh but no, he doesn't do that, oh no, he breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. So, according to 'Battleship' the best way to a girl's heart is to commit a few felonies, and 'Twilight' says stalk them and hope she doesn't call the police.

Yeah, Edward is a stalker, he's a God damn stalker, he flat out admits following her and breaking into her room to watch her sleep. Of course I'm pretty sure the female gender would be creeped out by this point and running the fuck away, but Bella thinks this is the most romantic thing since 'Romeo and Juliet'! And am I the only one who has a problem with the age difference? Oh yeah, she has the hots for a dead guy, but he's 108 years old! She's seventeen! She's underage! He's old enough to be her great great grandfather! There's necrophilia there's pedophilia, how can people be okay with this?!

Then again what can I expect from Bella when Edward tells her he can read everyone's minds except for hers, and she asks if there's something wrong with her. "I tell you I can read minds and you think there's something wrong with you", yeah, Edward, she believes you. Then again Bella also says that he doesn't "even say hi" despite the fact that the first word he said to her was "hello". I guess she's right in a way.

And they are just the main characters, everyone else...eh. It's actually the same problem with 'Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters', you learn virtually nothing about them. I remember Jessica (Anna Kendrick). I don't know anything else about her. I remember Tyler (Gregory Tyree Boyce). I know he shouldn't be allowed driving, but bugger all else. Heck, even the villains I know nothing about.

Speaking of Tyler, he's the cause of that infamous scene where Edward stops the van from hitting Bella. When we first see Bella getting to the school, we see that there's a speed bump, which means the car has to slow down to go over it. This means Tyler then sped up in order to lose control like he did, in the school parking lot. Yeah, he's a dick.

The rest of the supporting cast, forgettable. Like I said, we learn virtually nothing about them and therefore have no attachment to them. Well, except for Alice, I did come to like her. I also wanted to learn more about Laurent (Edi Gathegi), I found him more mysterious than Edward, and therefore more interesting. I did truly hate Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre), the way her character acts and moves, I just can't take her seriously. I think it's more because of Lefevre though than the actual character. I also liked the way they talk about the blood lust, how it's very much like a drug, how easy it is to slip back under its control.

Then there's the special effects. Oh my God! Really? This film had a budget of $37million and the best you could come up with, were blurry lines for super speed? This film came out in 2008, this film had a budget, and yet it's effects are effectively from a comic book. It wouldn't have been so bad, if they hadn't kept using it for trivial things! I will say though, there were some good effects, seeing Edward climb trees was actually well done from a distance, though not so good up close. The climax scene also had a good effect, though the scene itself could have been more climatic.

So, yeah, I'm not a fan of this. I decided to actually watch it and make my own opinion on it, and I really didn't like it. But, and you're going to think I'm crazy, but I could actually see a decent film here. I could see potential, I saw a good story trying to come to the surface, but it was being held back by...everything else. The effects are awful, the characters are trivial, a large part of the characters motivations rely on stupidity (in particular Edward), and the two main leads, the two we are forced to follow for two hours (TWO HOURS!!!) are so bland, so selfish, so downright boring, you can't help but hate them.

And it's not just me, most people who I speak to about this film say that the books are better, even from those who liked the films. Which is quite surprising when it has been said that Meyer "can't write worth a darn" (Stephen King). But I'm not going to read the books, I've still got World War Z to read, that and I just don't plan to. But yeah, overall, this is a bad film. It's not the worse thing I'll admit that, but it's something that should not have been so successful, this or its sequels.

Oh God sequels.