Top 10 Worst Films of 2012

It's films like these where I wish the world did end. In January not December. Unlike last year I actually saw more than enough bad films to put on this list, so there won't be any mediocre films which shouldn't be on here. Oh, but for the record I did NOT see 'Keith Lemon: The Movie' or 'Piranha 3DD' this year, so I can't comment on them and therefore you won't be expecting them on this list. In fact that's most likely the reason why you won't see a particular film on either the best or worst lists; just check if I've done the review during the year, if not then I haven't seen it.

But here we go, the worst film of 2012.

10. [REC]3: Genesis

Okay, I lied, there is a film on here which you could argue doesn't deserve to be here. But let's be honest, while it isn't really a bad movie, it isn't really good either. Yes, there was some bits I liked, but the film also does many things that you should hate.

It alienates its old fans from the previous films by getting rid of the first person perspective, the acting isn't that great, it stuffs the religious aspects down your throat, and even if you put all that aside, this film is just there. There isn't anything which really stands out, there isn't anything you can truly hate, the film and everything in it is just there. It's like the quiet kid in the classroom, you really only notice the child if the kid makes a noise.

9. Chernobyl Diaries


Okay, another film you could argue shouldn't be here, and I'd agree with you, if the things in this film haven't already been done. Seriously, every single scare in this film is predictable, even the fake-out could be seen a mile away. From the creator of 'Paranormal Activity', who managed to make a horror film terrify audiences all over the globe, you expect more.

The characters meanwhile are so stupid they'd leave one of their most vulnerable people alone to be picked off with ease, the film has a disorientating cameraman for no real reason, the ending twist, whilst it does get the audience talking, it doesn't make sense. This film, is just bland.

8. Wrath of the Titans

The sequel to remake 'Clash of the Titans' was certainly better than its predecessor, but that's really not saying much. Firstly the writers wrote themselves into a pickle when the first film stated that Zeus and Hades used the Kraken to defeat Kronos, the main villain. With the Kraken out of the picture, they decided to create a superweapon made from Zeus' lightning bolt, Poseidon's trident, and Hades' pitchfork; something he didn't have in the first film.

But with that plot point out of the way, it still sucks. The plot is driven simply by carnage, the effects are no better than the last film's crap, the dialogue is normally forced or wooden or stupid, the acting is mediocre at best, some bizarre character U-turns, and most of the characters are as bland as a blank sheet of paper.

7. Silent Hill: Revelation

A film I certainly do feel that should have done better, with the effort you can clearly see that Michael Bassett put into reconnecting the film adaptations with the games. The problem is that it contradicts the rules set by the first film, and results in the film being one big confusing mess. Not that the first film was a good adaptation of the games mind you.

With that aside, the film is just a long and winding bore. The acting, again, is mediocre at best. The scary, dark atmosphere is replaced by pure action. Sean Bean appears to have no idea why he's there. There are some good bits, but it's not enough to save this film from being one of the worse this year has to offer.

6. Zombies vs. Strippers

Oh boy, were to start? Oh, I know, how about by TURNING ON THE GODDAMN LIGHTS! I'm sure you remember that being my main concern from my review of it. I couldn't tell what was going on most of the time because it was so bloody dark. Yes the lights come on later in the film, but it would have been so much better if I was able to see the women take off their clothes.

Add the awful acting, the poor dialogue, bland characters, terrible direction, and the fact that zombies don't talk(!). Oh yeah, the fact that there's virtually little to no effects is good, and it's certainly a great film to watch with others over drinks purely to make fun of it, but it is still an awful, awful movie.

5. Resident Evil: Retribution

This film is boring! Plain and simple! At least the other awful Resident Evil films were watchable, this one was just pure and utter crap! The idea of Jovovich being an invincible, God-like fighter got old real quick in 'Resident Evil: Apocalypse', so can you imagine what it's like now that the film has reached stage five of its master plan?

The film appears to be trying to mix the few good bits from the previous films, what little there is, but failing to capitalise on it. Hell, it only succeeds in ruining the few good bits from the previous films. I'm not sure if I can enjoy the Red Queen from saying "You're all going to die down here" again. Then again the first 'Resident Evil' film is the only one to show anything good. This film was boring and confusing from beginning to end.

4. Strippers vs. Werewolves

Wow this film was weird. And dull. Very, very dull. A film so bad it put me off Ali Bastian. One of the many verses films I've reviewed this year, and the only one to not feature zombies, this was one that proved to be such a disappointment since I, for some reason, had such high hopes for it.

Filled with soap drama acting, this film has virtually nothing going for it. It tries to act new and fresh, but it comes off so dull and lost that you could go away for an hour, come back and find the film is just about to find the plot. And this film has Robert Englund in it, and it STILL wasn't any good. Then again it doesn't help to somehow gain an actor of such caliber like Robert Englund, and then give him virtually no screen time. Bad movie! Very bad movie!

3. Jack and Jill

Like 'The Muppets', I don't care if this film came out in America in 2011, it came out here in the UK in 2012. I bet it was still crap a year ago too. This was the film that persuaded me to put up the Adam Sandler drinking game. I wonder if it's any good.

But you all know how I feel about this film, how it was deprived of anything remotely funny, how the acting was half arsed, how it has a child actor so bad that the two kids (from '28 Weeks Later') who effectively wiped out half the planet are better characters. You all know how I said that this film will be the worse (that the UK in) 2012 will see. And yet it's number three.

2. 2-Headed Shark Attack

Even as an Asylum film I thought this would be better. The only real (good) highlight in this film is Carmen Electra in a bikini. Apart from that, despite being the top billed actress on the posters, she hardly features in the film itself.

This two-headed shark is so strong it can headbutt an island into sinking, and yet it can't capsize a boat and make the film shorter. Continuity is deemed pointless, the plot is nonexistent at times, easily injured characters, stupid and unlikable characters I might add, and some plot holes which truly boggle the mind. Again, this just seemed to have been an excuse to get girls in bikinis, and for two of the girls to make out. Why am I complaining?

1. Battleship

THIS FILM IS FU*KING SHITE! It is rare for a film to infuriate me so God damn much, and yet this film manage to do so so efficiently, so precise. My hatred for this film was so severe, that it caused me to write what is quite possibly my longest review (I'm not going to compare it to my others), mainly spouting pure unadulterated anguish towards this film. My hatred for this film even boiled over into some of my other reviews.

Everything was bad with this film, the effects were fake, the story is crap, the dialogue is crap, the characters were infuriating, the acting was horrendous (Yes, I'm looking at you Rihanna and Gadson), and the film is littered with bits so stupid it insults anyone and everyone's intelligence. Just by typing up this short summary I am becoming increasingly enraged, that's how bad this piece of infuriating, horrendous, piece of shit truly was.



And those were my worst films of 2012, and boy it can't get worse than 'Battleship' can it? I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring us.

Oh yeah. That.

Top 10 Films of 2012

Ah here we are, this year's review. Ah, January only seems like yesterday. We've had our ups, which we will be looking at here, and our downs, which will be coming next. Like last year there were some film's which I just wasn't able to watch, unlike last year I won't be doing a 'Top 10 Films I wanted To See But Didn't' list.

But anyway, here are my top ten films of 2012.

10. The Dark Knight Rises

This film BARELY made the list, I can think of other films which might be able to take 'The Dark Knight Rises' off the number ten spot; 'Woman in Black', 'The Iron Lady', 'Ted', 'The Amazing Spider-Man', and some others.

Yeah, it's not as good as 'The Dark Knight', but for what it's worth, it still is one of the movie events of the year. The acting is great, the effects are great, the story is good, it made Bane a proper villain again, and it has Anne Hathaway in tight leather.

What's not to like?

9. Skyfall

As you know from my original review, I wasn't that big a fan of the Daniel Craig Bond films. I thought they were going for pure action rather than a combination of charm and action, it was a Bourne rip-off, they just weren't Bond films for me. Well, 'Casino Royale' was alright.

'Skyfall', to me, was a return to what I felt was a Bond film, it felt familiar, yet they add their own twist to the Bond legacy. Craig was brilliant as Bond, the film had a great villain, really the only thing that ruined this film for me was other people spoiling the twist at the end.

But for me 'Skyfall' was a return to the thrilling spy drama that is Bond.

8. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Ah yes, the one book split into three films. Despite pacing issues, it was still one of the best this year had to offer.

Some great acting, okayish effects (Ignoring the horrendous 3D), and some truly spectacular, some of the most beautiful shots/locations shown since...well, 'Lord of the Rings'. And the film has one of the best looking dragons (Or rather a bit of the dragon) I've ever seen.

Here's to part two next year.

7. Life of Pi

This was better than I expected. I didn't think that I would enjoy this film as much as I did. And the fact that a majority of the film takes place in the same setting, makes the film even more of an achievement.

The storytelling is fantastic, the acting is brilliant, the shots, like 'The Hobbit' are spectacular and awe inspiring, and while the CGI animals is noticeable, the lifelike movements more than make up for it.

6. Cockneys vs. Zombies

Now this came out of nowhere. When I originally put this into the DVD player, I was expecting somewhat an okayish film at best. Even if it does have the elderly wielding machine guns.

Instead I got a combination of one of the best comedies, zombie, and gangster-style films to come out of Britain in recent years. Heck, it makes Michelle Ryan good, and I normally can't stand her.

This is a must have for...well, anyone.


5. The Muppets

I don't care if this film came out in 2011 in America, it came out in 2012 here in the UK. I can't exactly go back in time and put it on the 2011 best films list. I can't hop over to America every time a film gets a delayed UK release.

But anyway, the Muppets are back! And what a production. An emotional and in depth story, some really catchy tunes, and of course the old Muppet humor. Is it corny at times, yeah, but it's counterbalanced by some surprisingly dark areas, such as losing fame.

And after the horrendous 'The Muppets Wizard of Oz', this was a great return to form.

4. Chronicle

Now this was a gem. The story was good, the way they showed the story was good, the effects were good, the acting was great, and the characters are brilliant. It is such a good change to see the film from the villain's perspective, to see what molds him and what his motives are.

And also, villains have all the fun. Heroes are such a cliche nowadays, they're either invincible or get hurt by just ONE bullet, they always manage to find love in the end, they're normally rebels, etc etc. It's really good to see a film go a completely different direction, to see it isn't all black and white.

3. War Horse

I didn't think I'd enjoy this film as much as I did. To see such an emotional story, in particular from a character who has no dialogue. Well it's a horse what do you expect?

But it's not just Joey, it's all the other animals and humans, from Albert and the goose off the farm to Topthorn, Captain Nicholls, and numerous soldiers during the war, how the film has time to squeeze in their stories, their personalities and experiences.

This is a truly spectacular film.

2. Iron Sky

SPACE NAZIS! Possibly my most eagerly awaited film this year, and it didn't disappoint. It really didn't. It was effectively my 'Troll Hunter' for 2012.

Brilliant effects (For a low budget production), great plot, some terrific characters, and hilariously over the top. It was a pain getting to watch this, but it was sooo worth it.



1. Avengers Assemble

Why are you reading this?! GO SEE THIS FILM NOW! This film, basically has everything you need from a film. It has drama, it has action, it has conflict, it has comedy, it has emotion, it surprisingly has brilliant effects, and it can somehow manage to squeeze in so many characters and their backgrounds.

It truly is spectacular, so once again, GO SEE THIS FILM NOW.




And those are my favourite films of this year, coming up next, the worse.

Life of Pi (2012)

Okay, this review was originally meant to be the Asylum film 'Golden Winter', the film where a group of puppies become homeless for Christmas. Yes, the Asylum did this. But I can't review it as my copy is Bluray, and the only Bluray player I have has succumb to the yellow light of death. I'll get it fixed at some point but not in time for this month. I was actually watching it at one point as well but turned it off because it was late and I was getting tired, so I haven't seen the whole thing. Well, you now know what I'll review next Christmas. I will say this though:

OhmyGodthesedogsarepossessed!

So I had to come up with another review. And unfortunately for Rebecca I haven't read enough of her book to formulate an idea/review about it. So I'm going over a film which just came out. Ladies and gentlemen, 'Life of Pi'!

Here a writer (Rafe Spall) approaches Piscine Molitor "Pi" Patel (Irrfan Khan), after being told that he has a fascinating story, one that will make him "believe in God". Pi recounts the tale of his younger self (Suraj Sharma), when his father (Adil Hussain) moved the family and their zoo animals to America. However the ship taking them sinks and Pi finds himself sharing a lifeboat with an adult Bengal tiger named Richard Parker.

I might as well get the bad bits out the way first. Firstly, there is normally no tension in this, because we know Pi survives. That's the problem with films like this, if it's someone telling the story, then no matter what, the story teller survives. It happens here, and it happens in An Unexpected Journey, because of the Lord of the Rings, and because the film shows us this!

And, that's about it. I would complain about the CGI animals looking more CGI than real (In all honesty, only slightly), but to be honest I don't actually care this time. And it's primarily because the CGI animals act real. The way they move, roar, interact, it's so real, so lifelike, you really can't complain about them. Animals like the zebra, the orangutan, the hyena, and, of course, Richard Parker the tiger all become their own characters, primarily because of how lifelike they are.

While I did mention that there was no tension since we know Pi survives, the film still manages to drag you into the story and, at times, it is easy to forget that this is a flashback. It is certainly an enthralling masterpiece of storytelling. Though the film does try to trick you, I'll address this in a spoiler section at the end.

I suppose what helps is that this film is beautiful, and I really do mean it, about 85% of this movie have the most stunning and wonderful looking shots in the history of cinema, probably even better than the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings. You can see from the photos in this review so far, with the night shot with the jellyfish and the whale being one of the prime examples. But there's also the storm shots, which actually show that while there is great beauty in the world, there is great danger as well.

I've already commented on the CGI for the animals, and for the rest of the effects, it's effectively the same. There are some fascinating transitions, as well as dream sequences. Yes, as stated, there are some really obvious CGI moments, but I for one actually didn't care here. There are some scenes where they used real animals, but it is dominantly CGI. I won't be commenting on 3D because, again, I saw it in 2D, 'An Unexpected Journey's 3D really put me off it more than any other 3D film, and from what I've heard the 3D for this film was brilliant. That's what I've heard. The thing is, this film does actually show that it does have some good moments that should look great in 3D. Heck, this film has moments when animals appear to be OUTSIDE the frame in 2D.

The acting meanwhile, was spectacular. For the most part we only follow Sharma, and he really does deserve a special nod. This was Sharma's first ever film, but you wouldn't know that from what you see. He gives so much energy, so much passion, so much desire, you'd think he'd been acting for years. And while the film does focus on Sharma, the supporting cast do pretty good as well. Khan gives a fantastic performance while Spall is an unsung hero per say. Apparently Toby Maguire was originally suppose to play the Writer, but I've seen the Spider-Man films, Maguire would have been the wrong choice.

This is a brilliant film. The acting is great, the effects are so noticeable but brilliant, the visuals are breathtaking, and the story is superb. The film successfully manages to make you feel like you're living the film, instead of just watching it. Go right ahead and watch it.






Spoiler section

It'll be brief. When I said earlier that the film tries to trick you, it tries to trick you in such a way, you're not sure what you're watching is actually what was happening. Like when Pi and Richard reach the mysterious island, and he says the island effectively kills anything living on it, that's why he left. However he goes on to say the island was never found again, however if he had not been there, he would have died. It's things like that which make you wonder what happened. And when Pi found the plant with the tooth in it, was he hallucinating it? Was he saying he figuratively found a plant had a consumed a human tooth? Did he actually find a carnivorous plant? Did the island actually exist?

And then when the insurance agents ask him "what really happened", and Pi told them a less fascinating but more detailed story, now was THAT what really happened and the whole film was a lie? That's how the film tries to trick you.