First of all apologies for the lack of new blogs, I hadn’t felt like playing ‘Bullet Witch’ and technical difficulties resulted in cancelling a review for ‘Southland Tales’. However there are some works in the pipeline; I will get round to playing ‘Bullet Witch’ again, I have played an hour of ‘Dead Island’ and will do ‘An Hour of:’ of that, I have been planning to do an ‘Invader Zim’ review as well as a ‘Top 10 Invader Zim episodes’ and a blog entitled ‘Why Hippies Will Be the End of Us’. So I have actually have quite a bit to do.
Moving on. Now, there is one thing I hate as much, maybe even more then remakes. That’s right, I hate something else (maybe) even more then remakes. What is it you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Child actors.
Yes, child actors, those adorable little scallywags. My main problem with them is, well, they’re young, and that means they have little to no acting skill, talent or experience. Granted that’s not always the case, there’s some really good child actors out there, Dakota Fanning for one. But then there are some good child actors who come across as annoying anyway, maybe because they’re corny, like Macaulay Culkin. Then there’s some which you’d think you’d find annoying, but they actually aren’t, if you understand what I mean, like Short Round from ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’, with that accent you’d think he’d be annoying, but he really isn’t.
But here’s my top ten worst...child actor performances shall I say. The acts where you really want to punch the kid in the face; they’re that annoying. Some have been grouped together because they appeared in the same movie. Some you feel have been left out, but that’s because I’ve either haven’t seen the movie or just didn’t think they were that annoying. But anyway, let’s see which performances were truly annoying.
Otherwise known as Tim and Lex, the children who follow Dr Grant, played by Sam Neill, around for most of the movie. She screams at the top of her voice for 90% of her screen time and he bores you with his facts.
And that’s essentially what they do. I mean, Lex saves herself by actually being useful when they needed someone to bring the island back online. You see, they needed a hacker and she’s a hacker (PLOT CONVENIENCE!). But what is Tim best remembered for? Being blown off the electric fence. That’s it. They don’t really do anything else apart from be a plot device to be rescued and to allow Dr Grant to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Wait, no, they allow him to learn that...kids...are...likeable? And when you’re on an island of dinosaurs who are trying to eat you, that’s very important.
I have to say though, they fulfil that role well and, to be honest, that’s pretty much how kids will react in that situation. They expect the adult to save them, they expect the adult to know all the answers, they’re just kids; they don’t know jack! And that’s probably why I didn’t find them annoying at first, but the acting, well let’s just say that is what makes them one of the most annoying characters around.
9. Dakota Fanning in ‘War of the Worlds (2005)’Now, let me start this off by saying Dakota Fanning is a good actress. She has starred alongside Denzel Washington in ‘Man on Fire’ and Robert DeNiro in ‘Hide and Seek’...the less I say about that the better. And with that kind of fame, you can say she was probably a bit cocky with her skill.
Enter ‘War of the Worlds, where she plays Tom Cruise’s daughter Rachel, where she’ll be one of three things; 1. She’ll disrespect her father, despite him trying to get along with her. 2. Saying something annoying. 3. Scream constantly.
Nearly every single line of her dialogue is irritating. It either consists of her making her father look like crap, making her step-dad look leagues better, or point out stuff which Cruise would not know, but making it sound like he should. Sure, maybe he should’ve known about her allergy, but how should he know about your bad back unless you or the rest of your family told him? Half the stuff she moans about has no point or is about stuff he doesn’t know.
Then there’s the thing which annoys everyone the most. Her constant crying! About 60% of her scream time has her constantly screaming and crying, which makes you want to yell “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”. This was why I went to see this film! It’s not like there’s an alien invasion going on! Oh wait.
Yeah, despite her constant screaming, she does actually have reason to. It’s like Tim and Lex from ‘Jurassic Park’, it’s a natural reaction. But wait! There’s more! I mean, when there’s an alien invasion happening and you need to hide, what’s the best thing to do? Well, Rachel feels you need to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE and go outside into an open field! Guess how long it takes before she’s captured? If you guessed two seconds, thank you for pointing out the bleeding obvious!
You know, because you’re the son of the Fresh Prince, the almighty Will Smith, that does not mean you are automatically awesome. It should, but it doesn’t. Best example? ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’.
Oh my God was he annoying in this! He plays Jacob Benson, the stepson of main character Helen Benson, played by the tepid Jennifer Connelly. Now, he does disrespect his stepmother, we can expect that, the stepson thinking that she is stealing the father away. The problem is, he’s dead. So I suppose Jacob is just thinking that she...hates him, I don’t know.
So at every turn he fights his stepmother, and by every turn, I mean every single trivial moment, like refusing coming down to dinner, and he Jaden doesn’t even act well at these points. Not only that, but in pretty much every single shot he moans about his dad being dead, so when the big emotional scene comes where we should feel something between the family, we don’t. It’s been hammered in so much we just don’t care anymore.
Not only that, but Jacob makes it no secret that he hates Klaatu, played by the slightly less bored then usual Keanu Reeves, saying on multiple times that the army should just kill the aliens. This is despite being told multiple times that in order to save the planet, he needs to see human compassion. Hell at one point Jacob actually tried to turn Klaatu in! Screw you kid! Go away and make me hate you in the ‘Karate Kid’ remake!
7. Jonathon Lipnicki in ‘Stuart Little (1999)’ AND ‘The Little Vampire (2000)’Oh my God this kid gets on my nerves. It all really comes down to his acting, it really is awful and he does pretty much play the same character in all his films. Well, maybe not now, I can’t really see him playing the sweet spectacle kid now as a 21 year old.
Anyway, yeah it really does come down to his acting which can be babyish, but really annoying as Hell! He couldn’t deliver any line with the right emotion or any feeling at all, he stares blankly, he’s mopey in most of his scenes, and I do truly hate that smirk he gives (though I don’t know why). I really did hate his child actor career, but I should give him a chance now that he’s grown up.
6. Heather Ripley and Adrian Hall ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)’God, even as a kid I hated these two. Like numbers 10 and 9, they did their roles as intended, but they were still extremely annoying.
Not to say the film was bad though, I loved it, it’s still brilliant today. It’s just those kids! I suppose it’s because they were very, VERY corny. But they weren’t that great at acting either, with terrible dialogue almost every single scene them being insistent on every little detail, “Dad! Buy that car!” “Dad! Invent this!” “Truly! Come with us!”, it’s basically the equivalent of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” or “My Tallest? My Tallest!”. They just won’t shut up!
And for a film which focuses on singing, they’re not very good singers. They can sing a little, but you can tell they’re not good, especially when singing alongside Dick Van Dyke and the only song where they mainly sing; ‘Truly Scrumptious’.
But that’s not all! There’s what they do in the film too! At the start they say a guy taking a car to scrap is a ‘murderer’, they skip school and the almost get run over by running about in the middle of the road, and Truly Scrumptious (Really? That’s her name?) is somehow made the bad guy when she goes to see their father! But, to be honest, what do you expect when their father is Dick Van Dyke?
And it seems they can recognise the King of Vulgaria from about eighty feet in the air, but they can’t see through the Child Catcher’s disguise, which is the equivalent of putting on one of those fake pair of glasses and moustaches! Hell! It’s not even that! He doesn’t put on a disguise! He just changes his clothes! They were actually stupid enough to fall for the Child Catcher’s plan! You know what Child Catcher? Keep them!
5. Jack Johnson in ‘Lost in Space (1998)’
You know, being a brainy child isn’t cute or amusing, it makes the character in question an obnoxious know-it-all who is, guess what? ANNOYING AS HELL!
Most of his lines, primarily those to his on-screen sister, sound like he’s talking down his nose to them, and others just sound stupid. Well, you can’t really take “Mom says to get the Hell out of there!” seriously can you? Not with the ‘mom’ bit. It’s not even a funny line.
Hell, and I know the Nostalgia Critic pointed this out, but, Johnson gives Gary Oldman a gun, despite the fact that Oldman just pointed out that he is the villain! We obviously knew this before, but he pretty much spells it out to the kid, and he STILL gives him a gun! And this kid is suppose to be smart enough to build a time travelling device? Moron!
And by God was he corny, he made a robot feel LOVE for God’s sake! How is that possible?! Acting wise he was okay, could've been better, but everything else, by God was awful!
Ah you couldn’t have a most annoying child actor list and NOT include Jake Lloyd. And it’s a special one as there’s two films which I saw him in. The obvious one is where he plays whiney Anakin Skywalker, the young Darth Vader, in ‘The Phantom Menace’. Now, I don’t know about you, but he wasn’t really that annoying was he?...Yes, yes he was. I admit I didn’t really mind him, until this particular scene came up:
Anakin: “Are you an angel?”
Padme: “What?”
Anakin: An angel...They’re the most beautiful creatures in the world,”
Yeah. And there’s the point in which I started to hate him. He’s almost emotionless in every single scene, he delivers his lines with the least amount of effort and he makes every single scene corny. The only question is who is more annoying? Jake Lloyd? Or Jar Jar Binks?
But you’d think the corniness would work in ‘Jingle All the Way’. No. No it doesn’t. It just makes him even MORE annoying! Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Lloyd’s father, who goes through Hell getting Lloyd’s character a toy, a Goddamn toy! But Lloyd’s character takes it further, risking his life for it! Not to steal something the Nostalgia Critic has said, but, it’s a toy! Don’t risk your life for it! Actually, you know what, go ahead. Risk your life. Fall to your death from that tree, see if I care.
Oh lord, this film. Now, there first ‘Pet Sematary’ appears to be a ‘love it or hate it’ film, I for one love it. BUT, we are all agreed that ‘Pet Sematary 2’ is one of the worst films out there. And the two characters mentioned above are one of the reasons.
We all know Edward Furlong better as John Conner from the Terminator franchise, and some people hated him in that too. But this role truly takes the cake. Granted his acting is slightly adequate, though a bit preachy and cry babyish, but then he decides to bring his dead mother back to life, despite the fact that Gus, played by Highlander Clancy Brown, who has been resurrected by the Pet Sematary has killed THREE people! Including his best friend! What makes him think that bringing his mother back was a good idea? And sure enough it wasn’t since his mother happily stands by as another resurrected guy tries to kill him.
And who was this third guy? The bully Jared Rushton. And by God what the Hell? His character only existed to bully Furlong, but the thing is the only reason he bullies Furlong is because Furlong’s mother is dead. Yeah! Phelous picks up on this in his review, but Jesus H. Christ! It even gets to the point where Rushton’s character almost rips off Furlong’s face with the rear wheel of his motorbike! It has gone far beyond bullying and is now attempted murder! And all because his mum is dead?! What the Hell?!
Overall both characters were just unbelievable, they could’ve done better acting wise, they were unsympathetic (Furlong didn’t really express much emotion when his best friend’s dog died), they were truly awful characters. They were both just really terrible characters.
Talk about a lacklustre performance. They were both just terrible and, yet, they were both portrayed as cocky. Well, Canterbury was definitely.
Robinson did a pretty good job actually as a young Lucinda, it’s just a shame she was recycled to play the daughter of our lead female Rose Byrne, the lifeless daughter who basically goes “....hmm? Is something going on?”.
But back to the Nicholas Cage’ son Canterbury. Now, we start to hate him, with this:
Cage: But it’s Dad’s famous Sunday night hotdogs on the run!
Canterbury: I can’t consume that. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.
Cage: Well when were you going to tell the guy who buys the groceries around here?
Canterbury: Are you deaf? I just told you now Dad.
Dear Mr. Nicholas Cage, you are awesome, you don’t deserve that crap, go and punch that kid in the face. Seriously, what the Hell is this kid’s problem? Yes, his mother died, but his father is still there, earning a living so he can have everything he can, so why is he such a dick? Okay, Cage may turn up late for certain events, but at least he turns up! Not like other film fathers where they don’t turn up at all. Cage is there for his on-screen son, but he acts like he isn’t.
Not only that, but he pretty much ignores his father on important details, such as don’t talk to strangers, since he walks up right to two (literally called the Strangers) and talks to them! He is a kidnap waiting to happen! But at least he gets smarter later, beeping the car horn to alert Cage and Byrne to the Strangers approaching his car, unlike Robinson who OPENS THE DOOR FOR THEM!
And right at the end when Byrne is killed off and the rest of the human race faces extinction, these two don’t give a crap! They’re just like, “Huh, whatever,”. Yeah, they just run towards the tree in the Garden of Eden, looking like they have forgotten everyone they know and love just died! Bad acting, emotionless, I really, really hate these two!
Okay, I’m slightly cheating here. Imogen Poots was 18 when this film was released, but I’m including her in this because she played one of the children characters, and by God she was just as annoying! Poots, you may be excluded from this list because you were 18 when this film came out, but don’t expect to escape my hatred!
Both Poots and Muggleton delivered terrible performances and made what should have been a scary 18 rated movie into a rubbish, corny and pretentious film which should’ve been rated a 15 because of it.
And how long do we have to tolerate these characters? Almost the entire film! Why’s that? Well their mother was thought to have been killed at the beginning (the single parent theme seems to come up a lot here, doesn’t it?) after their father, played by Robert Carlyle, left her since a mob of Infected were running towards them, but she survives as she was immune to the virus. Therefore it is thought that the children are also immune. The thing is Carlyle is portrayed as a the bad guy in that situation, despite the fact that about 95% of people in that situation would have done the same thing! The remaining 5% would have been killed! The mother is found when the children sneak out of the perimeter to go back to their house so that Muggleton’s character can get a photo of her.
But what people seem to overlook, is that if the children didn’t break the conditions set by the US army, if they hadn’t left the safe zone, then everyone would still be alive! Yeah, there wouldn’t have been a movie! If they didn’t go to the house, their mother wouldn’t have been found, she wouldn’t have infected Carlyle, he wouldn’t have gone off to infect everyone else and the US wouldn’t have firebombed London (that still didn’t work since the Infected survived). So yeah, Doyle (Jeremy Renner) would have lived. Scarlet (Rose Byrne, again) would have lived. Rooftop guy (Chris Ryman), the bravest guy of them all, would have lived. And Hell, the Infection wouldn’t have spread to France. So yeah, well done kids, not only did you kill the hundreds of new settlers and US soldiers, you doomed Europe, Asia, Africa and the Middle East. And all for a photo. I hope you’re happy!
Not only does it make you want to punch the kids in the face, you just hope that Carlyle infects them!...Oh my God Carlyle just infected Mackintosh! Oh joy! Thank you film! Thank you for killing off at least one of the irritating little brats!...He’s immune. He is immune to the rage virus. GOD DAMN YOU PLOT CONVENIENCE!
They were just irritating! Almost every single line of dialogue from their mouths was like nails on a chalk board! And they pretty much killed the majority of the rest of the world! How can you NOT hate these two?!
And that was my top ten most annoying child actor performances, and...now I’m angry and frustrated. I REALLY HATE CHILD ACTORS!
You forgot Janet Jackson as Penny on “Good Times,” and whoever that kid was who played the robot on “Small Wonder.” Ugh!
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