Nuclear Hurricane

I just found myself yelling at the television during this film, furious at the constant repetition of the two main characters Linda, played by Jamie Luner, whose ex is on the island and appears to be dating the female sheriff, possibly, I don’t know, it looks that way, and Rusty, played by Jack Scalia, who is Linda’s colleague.

But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Essentially what takes place is a poor version of ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’, with the HAL 9000 being replaced by a computer called Staci, voiced by Jean Giplin, and space has been replaced by an island and its radioactive power plant. Linda and Rusty need to reboot the backup system, but the code they were given activates Security Protocol 13, which makes Staci go beserk.

And by berserk, I mean go on strike.

Now, where to start with the repetition? Well, before they perform the reboot, Rusty tells Staci to lock the doors to the entire building, citing security reasons. Now, how they can do this when there’s no...proper computer software on the doors, apart from apart from keyholes, I don’t know. Now get this, when Security Protocol 13 (SP13) kicks in, Staci doesn’t do anything the lead characters do, for example, shutting down the protocol and rebooting the backup system. So, Linda tries to leave the building to pick up her ex Erik (David Millbern) so that he can fix the situation, since he designed the protocol.

The problem? Well, Linda and Rusty have forgotten that they’ve locked the doors. Linda asks Staci to unlock the doors, but SP13 prevents this from happening. Linda asks Staci to shut down SP13, but Staci says she and Rusty are not authorised. Linda and Rusty cannot call headquarters to get authorisation because Staci says they’re not authorised and repeat. Despite going through this plot point extensively Linda tries getting through doors MULTIPLE TIMES, then asks Staci to open them AGAIN, then AGAIN asking for Staci to open them, which results in Staci telling them they’re not authorised...AGAIN! Because the first hundred times worked before you stupid moron!

The building also has retinal scanners, which Staci also decides to ignore. So Linda, if the retinal scanners don’t work STOP TRYING TO USE THEM! And guess what Linda do when the retinal scanners don’t work? If you said she asked Staci to let them use them which results in Staci saying they’re not authorised, then yes, that is what happens! Linda! STOP BEING AN IDIOT!

Now, the title of the film is also misleading. A nuclear hurricane. That sounds awesome and terrifying. We get a normal hurricane. Nowhere near nuclear. A threat is what we get. I WANT A NUCLEAR HURRICANE! THAT’S WHAT THE FILM PROMISED ME!

And then we have plenty of...terrible, terrible things to distract us from what resembles a plot. A pointless sub-plot of a woman giving birth, a pointless sub-plot of Linda stealing Rusty’s job, like ‘Lava Storm’ the settlement (an island) has an unlikely population of nine, vent shafts are not real sized (no-one builds them that big), the characters don’t bother covering the camera because this might “piss her off” (though by all regards, covering up the camera DOES NOT TURN OFF THE MICROPHONE!), a pointless maintenance guy character who doesn’t really do anything but try opening doors after being told they’re locked, and, get this, Linda trapped in an air vent that has been heated up to 135 degrees. We’re not told whether it’s 135 degrees Fahrenheit or 135 degrees Celsius, but she should have died. Does she? Of course not! Main character powers save her! She even jokingly asks out Staci. WHAT THE HELL?! LINDA! YOU SUCK!

That’s it! I’m wrapping up! I’m not going into any more detail about this piece of crap! Nothing in it is good! This film is awful! It makes no sense, it repeats itself endlessly, the characters are either bland, annoying or forgetful, the dialogue is terrible, it repeats itself, we don’t care about the characters, it repeats itself, the acting is wooden, it repeats itself and I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!