The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Okay, third movie in the series, we're 60% of the way there. We're officially past the halfway point. Now, as you're aware I thought 'Twilight' was garbage and that 'New Moon' was a much better film, so would 'Eclipse' prove to be even better? Look at the poster. Look at those vacant expressions. What do you think?

Following on from 'New Moon', Bella (Kristen Stewart) is now involved in a love triangle with Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner). However while she ponders what to do, Victoria (Now played by Bryce Dallas Howard) decides she actually wants to be part of the plot now and raises an army with the help of her newly turned vampire Riley (Xavier Samuel). Now the Cullen's and the wolf pack have to form an uneasy alliance to face them.

And for once I'm talking about the story first, not the characters. The story, is meh. Thankfully it's a break from what 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' did, but, it feels slow and tedious. It's like it was afraid to break out of the shell from the last two films and therefore didn't was hesitant to do anything else. It was afraid to take risks, more of that will be revealed in the spoiler section. Yes, I actually have the spoiler section back this time.

Actually now that I say this one breaks away from the other two, now that I think about it, not really. The film still relies on 80% of what the other stories were. For God's sake Meyer can you not write anything else? Can you not expand on your story? You have arch rivals (figuratively) fighting for Bella's love, and nothing virtually happens. Well, one thing did but I'll get back to that. The love rivalry is mild at best, Hell, the story is mild at best. I've already mentioned that I saw 'Twilight' twice before doing the review, but I watched it a third time to jog my memory, and I watched 'New Moon' once before writing the review. I had to watch 'Eclipse' a second time, because the film is so dull I had forgotten the main aspects I wanted to talk about. It's that bland. Well, it's bland, and the Twilight Saga films are all blending together, so I can't tell which one's which.

The characters, well, as always I'll start with our dear Bella. She has come a long way, from the insecure, depressed-for-no-reason teenager in 'Twilight', to the manipulative bitch we see in 'Eclipse', especially when it comes down to her feelings with Jacob and Edward. More with Jacob, using his feelings towards her as a means to get what she wants, even in 'New Moon' she was doing that. First mention of Edward, zip, she's gone. Hell, I forgot to mention this in the last review, but when she goes to the Cullen's to ask them to vote whether she should become a vampire or not, there's one key person missing; HER FATHER (Billy Burke)! Oh my God how selfish can you be to not consider what your father would think to his only daughter, his only child, becoming part of the undead? To no longer be alive, to no longer be warm, Hell, have you even considered watching him die? Watching all those close to you die? Oh of course, Edward has taught you well to shut everyone but him out of your life! I'm sorry I keep writing this as if I'm talking to her. Oh, and of course Bella is soooooo in love with Edward, that she's willing to put her life on the line for him, wants to become a vampire so that she can spend all of eternity with him, and yet she hesitates when he asks her to marry him?

I can't really complain about Edward, I've already raised the same points in the last two reviews, to raise them again would be repetitive. Though he does even now say to her that he doesn't want her to interact with anyone else apart from him, especially Jacob. Jacob, speaking of which, has now become bitter and jealous, so much that it actually gets hard to like him. Any other character is basically forgotten, as are the Cullen's.

I have to say though, I prefer the villains in this. Riley is a tragic villain, and you know how I love them. Even Victoria seems to have found a new lease of life. Then again that's pretty much because Bryce Dallas Howard gives a great performance here, as does Xavier Samuel. In fact, they are pretty much the best performers in the film.

Yeah, you guessed it, everyone else is bland. Bland, bland, bland. In fact, Stewart has somehow gotten WORSE. Now it's even more obvious that she rarely closes her mouth. Pattinson, *sigh* you're still not giving a crap are you? Now, while I said I enjoyed Lautner in 'New Moon', like Stewart did during the transition from 'Twilight' to 'New Moon', Lautner has gotten WORSE. Now HE also doesn't give a crap. In fact, most of the actors and actresses in this are outshone by 'Silent Hill's Jodelle Ferland. But the film does belong to Dallas Howard. In fact the only time when Lautner and Pattinson give a good performance was when they had a one-to-one talk in a tent.

The effects are pretty much the best thing in this film though. Again the wolf effects are the best, while the effects used in the battle scene later are really good. I also really enjoyed the scene where the vampires rise up from the water, it's basically the same scene where the zombies rise from the water in 'Land of the Dead'. Otherwise there are a few slip ups but nothing too serious.

Overall though, this film is meh. Only Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel, more Howard, is worth watching, but apart from them, this film is not memorable in the slightest. The acting is bland, the story is dull, the characters are tedious, and the dialogue is non-existent. At least I can remember 'Twilight' and 'New Moon', 'Eclipse' is basically the same as watching paint dry.




Spoiler Section

The climatic fight towards the end between the Cullen/Quileute alliance and Victoria's army, the one where Bella kept telling Jacob and Edward that people are going to die because of her. She feels guilty for about five minutes by the way. But yeah, in this huge, climatic battle, the entire enemy force ends up being killed. And how many of our heroes die? NONE! Not a single person dies! Why did we worry? We're three films in, two main fights, and not a single good guy dies! How can we take any threat seriously in this? How can we take the whole thing seriously if every single good person is protected by the power of...simply being a good person?

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Okay I suppose if you do a film adaptation of a book, you pretty much have to do the rest of the series. Well it would've been odd to just stop without doing the last book, unless the franchise had done extremely bad at the box office. Can you imagine Harry Potter saying "Voldemort's back!", and then nothing?

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has just turned eighteen and doesn't want to celebrate it because it means she's getting older while Edward (Robert Pattinson) is still an old man trapped in a seventeen year old's body. Dear lord Bella you're only eighteen, you're not fifty. Anyway, after repelling an attack from a frenzied Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), Edward decides the best way to protect Bella is to leave her. This paves the way for Jacob (Taylor Lautner) to make his move, though he has his own problems when he starts becoming a werewolf.

Firstly, do you remember how in the 'Twilight' review I said that Kristen Stewart wasn't as bad as everyone said she was? Here, she's as bad as everyone says she is. Kind of, I'll explain in a moment. For the most part though, she was awful, she said every line in the same monotone voice. I would have thought that being with Edward would have perked her up a little, but no, she's still as miserable and bland as ever. The main example being when Edward tells her he's leaving. He just leaves her, he breaks her heart, he abandoned her in the middle of the woods, and she just falls asleep?! Without a sob or a tear, nothing?! Is that how it's done in the novel? She just falls asleep?

Now, the 'kind of' part. Stewart does give somewhat of a better performance when she interacts with Lautner. The thing is, I think Stewart has much better chemistry with Lautner then she does with Pattinson. Jacob is caring, he's attentive, he actually knocks before climbing  through her window into her bedroom, and Bella returns some sort of feeling, she cares deeply about him, but for some reason she still prefers the guy with the personality of cardboard and who threw her against a wall.

Yeah! Edward threw her against a wall! As mentioned Bella gets a paper cut which causes Jasper to go into a frenzy and try to kill her. Which is weird seeing as how Jasper was there when Bella was cut up and bleeding a lot during the fight with James in the first film and didn't seem to notice, yet a small paper cut causes him to snap. What's more bizarre is that this comes the Hell out of nowhere. Oh yeah, we're told in the first film that Jasper was new to be a vampire and was still controlling his urges, but that was one line halfway through the first film. It's never brought up again until he snaps. From what I can tell online it is more obvious that Jasper is trying not to rip Bella's head off, so why couldn't the films portray that better here? But anyway, Edward's first instinct? Threw her behind him (Edward) into a wall and onto a table. It wasn't even a spur of the moment thing, the film shows us that Edward was expecting it. I like how when James discovers she's human Edward just steps in front of her, then when it's his own (adoptive) family, threw Bella against the wall. I'm sure it won't injure her further.....it does.

But still, she sticks with Edward than the guy who is quite possibly the worse guy in history; he tells her to stay away while constantly approaching her, he stalks her, he breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep, he threw her against a wall *to protect her*, he pretty much stops her socialising with her human friends whenever he's around (Oh yeah, I forgot they existed), Hell he tries to keep her away from his family (granted he introduced her to them in the first place), he manipulates her (Normally through her father), and I don't know whether he's projecting himself into her mind (Don't know when he got THAT power), or if it's just a hallucination, but if it IS him, he broke his word on you not seeing him again, but if it's YOUR mental image Bella, it says a lot that the hallucination is telling you to NOT HAVE FUN. Then again I suppose it's because Bella is not only the depressive girl from the last film, but she has now become a complete moron for jumping off a cliff just to see Edward. Yeah, this is film that glamorises the tombstoning craze. Oh, and then in order to "protect her" he leaves her UNPROTECTED. Oh yeah, Alice (Ashley Greene) can predict when Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) decides to attack, but it's not going to be much use WHEN YOU'RE IN BRAZIL. It's not like any of the remaining antagonists from 'Twilight' will come back.

Oh look, the nice bad guy came back!

And yet, Bella still stick with him, despite the fact that Jacob DOES protect her, he saves her life, he helps her through the pain Edward caused abandoning her, she actually has fun with him, she interacts with him and his people better, she has better chemistry, he doesn't have a blank personality, who can actually emote, who doesn't tell you something because of his...beliefs (should I say), despite showing that he really wants to, and the mythos behind his lycanthropy is actually more or less correct. Jesus no wonder Jacob doesn't like Edward, and you can certainly see that, you can see the pain Jacob goes through seeing a girl he loves so dearly only go for someone else. I can relate to that.

Oh my God. I'm on Team Jacob.

Um, the effects! Yes, the effects, this film actually improves on the last. It still uses the poor super speed effects, but not every five minutes like 'Twilight' did. But the thing I was most impressed with were the wolves. Yes they looked a little too CGIish, but overall I actually liked how the wolves moved, and I did love how you can see emotion in their faces. The transformation scenes...meh. I suppose they're okay but my favourite wolf transformation is still from the Tooth and Claw episode of 'Doctor Who'. I'm still wondering why the shirt is destroyed during the transformation scenes and not any other part of clothing. Maybe he gets the same brand the Hulk uses.

The acting, it's still pretty bad overall. Pattinson is still bland, Stewart is worse than she was in the first one, Lautner, I admit I did like his performance, but it could have been better at the same time. Then there's the supporting cast who are all bland as ever. However, Michael Sheen. Oh my God, he was great. Sheen, who plays Aro, the leader of the most powerful vampire family on the planet, blew away the performances of everyone else in the room, including Dakota Fanning, who plays Jane, a vampire with the power to inflict pain.

The characters themselves though, are still largely forgettable. Oh yeah, Bella's school friends, I forgot they existed. The Cullens, save Alice, are still bland as wood. The Quileute tribe are actually more interesting than the Cullen's, with their history, their culture. I think you've already got the gist on my feelings on Edward though. And as for the antagonists, Laurent (Edi Gathegi) was still his usual charming self, while Victoria didn't actually get much screen time at all. Hell I don't think she even had a line of dialogue, she was just there to remind the audience she was there.

Now, you were probably shocked to hear me say that I thought that there was a decent film trying to break out from the blandness of 'Twilight', so, you'll probably be even more surprised when I say that the story for 'New Moon' is actually better than 'Twilight's, even if it is a complete rehash of 'Twilight's story. No, seriously, just replace Edward with Jacob and you'll see it's the damn same plot. But because I feel Jacob has a lot better chemistry than Edward with Bella, that's why I actually prefer 'New Moon' to 'Twilight'.

Yes, you read that right, I think 'New Moon' is better than 'Twilight'. Is it a good movie?...Eh. If you've decided that you're not a fan of the Twilight franchise, it probably won't change your mind. If you are a fan, then congratulations, you've found a sequel that's better than the first. Then again the first one didn't give much to go on. Stewart is worse, the Cullen's are still bland, but Greene, Lautner, and Sheen do shine through, especially Sheen. The effects are better, the story is better, that's pretty much it. 'New Moon' is superior to 'Twilight'.

But since 'Eclipse' will shift back to Edward being with Bella, I'm not looking forward to the next one.

Twilight (2008)

Before you ask, yes, I am reviewing this. Not sure why, I think everything you can say about this film has already been said. But seeing as how they're releasing the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's 'The Host' this month, I figured I might as well look at the adaptation of 'Twilight'. Dear lord the only reason why I know the first film is because I got stuck in Coventry a couple years back due to snow, then my girlfriend at the time forced me to watch it again.

If you don't know the plot we find ourselves following Bella (Kristen Stewart) moving to a small town with her father (Billy Burke). There she makes quick friends with a supporting cast who I don't really care about, but she's more interested in one Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a guy who almost threw up at the sight of her. Jesus Rob, I know she's a bad actress but she's not that bad. Anyway as it turns out, he's a vampire. And she's in love. Awww.

I'll point out the main aspect here first. THEY'RE NOT VAMPIRES. I don't care if this is the cloudiest town in the universe, vampires do NOT go out in sunlight! Apart from Blade and some incarnations of Dracula, but seeing as how one is half-human and the other is considered the alpha vampire, we can let it slide. And this is despite the fact that in a fair few scenes, there is in actual fact sunlight! Oh and at one point we see his reflection. I am not an expert on vampire lore, but, apart from 'Twilight', vampires do NOT sparkle, nor do they cast a reflection! Also Edward can apparently read minds. Why? Other vampires like Alice (Ashley Greene) and James (Cam Gigandet) can predict the future and have super hearing respectively, but why? Are they 'Heroes'? I seem to recall vampires having some form of mind control, as well as the super strength and regenerative capabilities, but why do they seem to have different unique abilities? And why is Bella the Haitian? Nothing is explained! What, you think being a vampire is a good enough reason?

Whatever, let's get to the next main aspect, Kristen Stewart, since this is the franchise that made her career. And also showed that staring blankly into space can make you one of the most successful actresses in the film industry. I'll be fair, Stewart is not as bad as everyone says she is in this, she does show some life (Albeit not a lot) but for most of the film she is as much fun as paint drying.

Then again I suppose you can blame the actual character for that. Bella is just so damn depressing, her opening lines pretty much make you want to kill yourself. She comes off as a sad, lonely person, for no real reason. She quickly gains many friends at her new school which leads to a good social life, she has guys falling head over heels in love with her, and yet she is constantly miserable. She has serious self-confidence issues. Hell, from the looks of it her main reason for being sad is leaving Arizona and her mother (Sarah Clarke), but the thing is it was her idea; "So I can't regret the decision to leave home". One of the things her new friends say is "Aren't people from Arizona usually tanned?", she responds with "Maybe that's why they kicked me out", no, you left on your own free will.

From what I can tell, her life in Phoenix wasn't all that great, she still lived with a single parent (Until her marriage), and actually went from a life where she didn't have any friends, to one where they were lining up down the block just to talk to her. Or at least that's what I got, we barely know anything about her life back in Arizona. Bella, is a bland, lifeless personality, she is suppose to represent a young girl but fails on so many levels, she will challenge you to even connect with her, let alone like. She literally wants to be with Edward forever, even though they have only known each other for, what, five days?

Edward next. Robert Pattinson, what can I say? You had a good role as Cedric in 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Then you did this, a character who has as much a personality as Bella, but more hypocritical and creepy. Seriously, after nearly throwing up at the sight of her, he distances himself from her, before turning up again and talking to her. He then says "We shouldn't be friends". Well Edward, the best way to do that is to, I don't know, stop socialising with her! "I only said we shouldn't be friends not that I didn't want to be" (Edward) "What does that mean?" (Bella) "It means if you were smart you'd stay away from me" (Edward)...how about YOU stay away from HER?! Oh but no, he doesn't do that, oh no, he breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. So, according to 'Battleship' the best way to a girl's heart is to commit a few felonies, and 'Twilight' says stalk them and hope she doesn't call the police.

Yeah, Edward is a stalker, he's a God damn stalker, he flat out admits following her and breaking into her room to watch her sleep. Of course I'm pretty sure the female gender would be creeped out by this point and running the fuck away, but Bella thinks this is the most romantic thing since 'Romeo and Juliet'! And am I the only one who has a problem with the age difference? Oh yeah, she has the hots for a dead guy, but he's 108 years old! She's seventeen! She's underage! He's old enough to be her great great grandfather! There's necrophilia there's pedophilia, how can people be okay with this?!

Then again what can I expect from Bella when Edward tells her he can read everyone's minds except for hers, and she asks if there's something wrong with her. "I tell you I can read minds and you think there's something wrong with you", yeah, Edward, she believes you. Then again Bella also says that he doesn't "even say hi" despite the fact that the first word he said to her was "hello". I guess she's right in a way.

And they are just the main characters, everyone else...eh. It's actually the same problem with 'Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters', you learn virtually nothing about them. I remember Jessica (Anna Kendrick). I don't know anything else about her. I remember Tyler (Gregory Tyree Boyce). I know he shouldn't be allowed driving, but bugger all else. Heck, even the villains I know nothing about.

Speaking of Tyler, he's the cause of that infamous scene where Edward stops the van from hitting Bella. When we first see Bella getting to the school, we see that there's a speed bump, which means the car has to slow down to go over it. This means Tyler then sped up in order to lose control like he did, in the school parking lot. Yeah, he's a dick.

The rest of the supporting cast, forgettable. Like I said, we learn virtually nothing about them and therefore have no attachment to them. Well, except for Alice, I did come to like her. I also wanted to learn more about Laurent (Edi Gathegi), I found him more mysterious than Edward, and therefore more interesting. I did truly hate Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre), the way her character acts and moves, I just can't take her seriously. I think it's more because of Lefevre though than the actual character. I also liked the way they talk about the blood lust, how it's very much like a drug, how easy it is to slip back under its control.

Then there's the special effects. Oh my God! Really? This film had a budget of $37million and the best you could come up with, were blurry lines for super speed? This film came out in 2008, this film had a budget, and yet it's effects are effectively from a comic book. It wouldn't have been so bad, if they hadn't kept using it for trivial things! I will say though, there were some good effects, seeing Edward climb trees was actually well done from a distance, though not so good up close. The climax scene also had a good effect, though the scene itself could have been more climatic.

So, yeah, I'm not a fan of this. I decided to actually watch it and make my own opinion on it, and I really didn't like it. But, and you're going to think I'm crazy, but I could actually see a decent film here. I could see potential, I saw a good story trying to come to the surface, but it was being held back by...everything else. The effects are awful, the characters are trivial, a large part of the characters motivations rely on stupidity (in particular Edward), and the two main leads, the two we are forced to follow for two hours (TWO HOURS!!!) are so bland, so selfish, so downright boring, you can't help but hate them.

And it's not just me, most people who I speak to about this film say that the books are better, even from those who liked the films. Which is quite surprising when it has been said that Meyer "can't write worth a darn" (Stephen King). But I'm not going to read the books, I've still got World War Z to read, that and I just don't plan to. But yeah, overall, this is a bad film. It's not the worse thing I'll admit that, but it's something that should not have been so successful, this or its sequels.

Oh God sequels.