The Film Interpreter: A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

Yeah. Kind of what it says on the tin really. Sort of. This...okay, you know how 'The Room' was the...'so bad it's good' film of 2003 and 'Birdemic' was the 'so bad it's good' film of 2008? Well, we now have a contender for 2013.

'A Talking Cat!?!' follows...a talking cat, as he interacts with two families. One is of Phil (Johnny Whitaker) and his son Chris (Justin Cone). Phil has decided to retire early and now has more money than God, but he now has to get used to doing nothing and bonding with his son. Chris meanwhile...possibly fancies Frannie (Alison Sieke), though rather than explore this, the film focuses more on Craig's...fear of swimming? Meanwhile Phil meets the mother of our other family, Susan (Kristine DeBell) who has a very important investment deal coming up which all relies on cheese puffs, which is apparently harder to make than it looks. Susan has a daughter, Tina (Janis Peebles) who is a bitch who is too smart for her own good but is trying to make something out of her life. Susan also has a son called Trent (Daniel Dannas), who isn't as smart and is looking for his own identity while being insulted by his sister.

There's also a cat in there somewhere, voiced by Eric Roberts.

Wait. Eric Roberts? Eric Roberts voices the cat? Eric fucking Roberts? WHY?! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THIS?! You're a brilliant actor Eric! You give great performances! We've seen that in 'The Dark Knight' and 'Heroes'. SO WHY DO YOU KEEP APPEARING IN CRAP?! 'Raptor', 'Sharktopus', 'DOA:Dead or Alive', 'Royal Kill', 'Cyclops', and countless others. And now this?! Why is it, that you frequently do some of the worst movies imaginable, and yet your sister, who has the acting range of cardboard, becomes one of the most successful actresses in history?!?!?!?

...I'm sorry about that. Let's continue. Yeah, for a film where a talking cat is the title character, it doesn't really feature a lot in it. The cat, called Duffy, is there to help the families with their problems, to enlighten their lives, to make them better. The only problem is that the problems the characters have in this are mundane and trivial. Susan desperately needing cheese puffs to seal an investment deal? Phil not finding something to do? Tina generally being a bitch? At the end of this film, not much has really changed.

And, apparently, the solution to their general problems, is a talking cat. I'm so glad we have those in real life. Although the suggestions the cat makes don't really help. How can Duffy know that the suggestions he mentions somehow help? How did Tina magically go to the right webpage for instance? It doesn't make sense. You'd also expect a bigger reaction from the cast when Duffy does talk to them, more than mild shock, especially when the title has !?! in it.

The human characters...meh. We don't really feel anything for them. They don't have serious problems so we can't feel sorry for them, they don't do anything bad so we don't hate them, and they don't do anything good so we don't like them. Apart from Tina who is extremely stuck up comes off as a spoilt brat than anything else.

Then again that cat is the best actor in this flick. Even if there was a red laser pen directing Squeeky the cat. No-one, and I mean NO-ONE, seemed to give a crap in this, most of all Eric Roberts. You can hear in his voice overs that he knew this was going nowhere. He gave the bare minimum required effort. Justin Cone, I admit I have no idea if he was either a brilliant actor playing a socially awkward character, or just plain awful. I'm guessing from the scene where he asks about the smoke alarm going off, that he is the latter. Alison Sieke and Janis Peebles both gave the same bland performance, and I do literally mean the same. Remember that first picture I showed you?

This one? This was the shot which reminded me that Frannie and Tina were two completely different people.

Daniel Dannas...to be honest he was okay. He was still awful, but I could see potential. Kristine DeBell, well, what can I expect from someone who says an oven tray is hot but then picks it up without putting on oven gloves? And doesn't react? DeBell and Johnny Whitaker either tend to not give enough effort, or go over the top.

Now, the only real effect in this film, was the movement of the cat's mouth. Although it is a stretch to call it an effect. It is one of the cheapest looking effects to ever grace cinematic history. I understand this film had a low budget, but even the Asylum at least attempted to make it look like the dogs in 'Golden Winter' were actually talking, even if they did look possessed.

Okay, so, you may have guessed that this is a bad film. And it is. The characters are forgettable, the one single effect is horrible, the dialogue is tedious, the acting is awful, and, above all else, the story which is suppose to be about helping each other out is nonexistent. Virtually nothing is accomplished at the end of the movie. As a family film, the adults will be bored out of their mind and the kids won't know what the point was. But, in all seriousness, you need to watch it. It's in the same gene pool as 'Birdemic' or 'The Room', you need to see it to truly believe it. You'll enjoy it for how bad it is if nothing else.