Zombie Attack! Museum of the Dead (2004)

Once again Halloween is upon us, and so I've decided to go back to my favourite horror genre; zombie. Oh how I love zombie films. To start off, 'Twilight' has effectively ruined vampires and werewolves. They used to be something that you could fear, but that they sparkle and take their tops off in every scene. Zombies, they're always going to rule. A zombie was once human, they were once your friend, your family, your loved one, they are endless, they never rest, they never sleep, they will never stop. They just march on in search us, their food.

Now if you remember last year I ended up doing two months worth of reviews on the '...of the Dead' rip offs, and when I found out that there was an endless number of them (Kind of fitting actually), I stopped reviewing them for the time being. And if you think I'm going back to those ones, then ha! I'm not falling into that trap! So I'm going to look at something which isn't called '...of the Dead'! That's why I'm looking at 'Zombie Attack! Museum of...the...Dead'...huh.

Now that I've got that out of the way, THIS MOVIE SUCKS! My God, I cannot believe what I watched. There's no beating around the bush, I'm not going to tell you what I thought of the acting, plot, effects, etc, of the film before I give a conclusion, oh God no, this film is crap! This film is so awful, that the IMDB profile is incomplete (Cast members, including the lead, are missing), there is no article on the English Wikipedia (Though there is one on the German Wikipedia, kinda), and from what I can tell no other website lists everything apart from the synopsis. In fact, I had to put the DVD back into the player and pause it at the credits in order to get the cast members names. It is definitely the worse zombie film I have ever seen. Heck, would I go so far to say it is the worse film I have reviewed so far on this blog...probably not. But it's close! Very, very close.

Here we follow Jewel (Tanya Vidal), who is persuaded by her friend Lisa (Vivian Lucas) to attend the Museum of the Dead, a museum containing mysterious artifacts, for Halloween. It then turns out the curator has unleashed some Aztec cannibal Tolec (Ryan Barreras) who goes around killing people and claiming their souls. Also there are some zombies.

What should have been a simple plot, doesn't exist. The Tolec plot seems to come out of nowhere, and whatever story exists is nonsensical and idiotic. There are only five characters who seem to exist; Jewel, Lisa, Jimmy (Ben Aiden), um...Jewel's friend from the gym, and...thief guy. There is also Russo (Dawn Kain) who randomly disappears at one point, but it's only for a later scene which I will come back to later.

There really aren't any other characters worth mentioning, namely because you can't remember their names, but also because they have no point other than to increase the kill count. In fact, the film breaks away from Jewel just to show new people entering the film and dying a few seconds later. The characters we do see have little to no character development, for example, a couple are killed by zombies, which lead me to think "Huh, they died. If I knew more than 'they like to make out', maybe I'd give a crap".

Speaking of which, the zombies BARELY feature in this. They're the title threat for God's sake! The film focuses more on this Tolec guy, and even then the film does this weird stringy effect whenever Tolec comes on screen so you can't tell what's going on. One deluded writer on Amazon.de says that the film has "Amazingly well choreographed fight scenes", and I am amazed that whoever wrote it saw that since whenever ANYTHING happens the camera cuts in and out and shakes all over the place so you really can't tell what's going on! This includes a fight between two Aztec female warriors who turn up out of nowhere and only because Thief (Yes I am going to call him that) has some mind control dust crap.

The acting...there is none. No, really, if there was any acting, I didn't see it, everyone gave the same blank wooden expression. Okay, Lisa and Jewel's friend (Don't ask me his name, I really don't want to watch bits of the film again) who attempts to cry, and that's about it. Oh, I suppose Tolec isn't wooden, but then again all he does is open his mouth while a computer generated screech is played.Then again in every other shot that he isn't opening his mouth, he does in fact have the same blank look on his face.

Effects. I really don't know what to say. Probably the best effect used is the string screen effect, but like I said it disrupts the film, you have no idea what's going on. On a bright note the string effect is used on the opening titles and opening sequence, which does give it a unique feel. There's no point, but it's unique. Apart from that...I don't actually recall any other effects, I don't even remember any fake blood. Oh wait, there was some sparkly lights when Thief mind controls a random female Aztec warrior, but that's it.

Okay, I said that is probably isn't the worse thing I've reviewed on this blog site, but you know what? I actually now think it is. At least 'Nuclear Hurricane' had a plot, at least 'Land of the Dead' had characters, at least 'Scarecrow Gone Wild' was entertaining, at least 'Horrorvision' had effects. This film, has nothing. No effort had gone into this, there is nothing good to say about this film. This film is so mind numbingly dull, it makes no sense, it raises (unanswered) questions, Hell, it took me three, that's right, THREE attempts to watch this film.

And the worst thing? It sequel baits. SPOILERS Yeah, Jewel touches a picture of a sun and teleports out of the museum (Running past the zombies and out the exit wasn't an option), Thief also somehow makes his way out of the museum, and Russo also makes it out of the museum, but it turns out she was working with the curator and she tells them of Jewel and Thief surviving.

Make a good and/or entertaining film first before deciding on a sequel.