Nativity 3: Dude, Where's my Donkey?! (2014)

It's still the season to be jolly, so what better time than for a Nativity film? Now, admittedly I am at a disadvantage with this franchise because I haven't seen the first two films, but from what I understood none of the characters from the previous films were in the third installment, so I figured I was alright.

The St. Bernadette's School (a fictional school set in what I would like to call my second home Coventry, there's a brief glimpse of the West Orchards shopping centre) is up for an Ofsted inspection, so the headteacher Mrs Keen (Celia Imrie) brings in "super teacher" Mr Shepard (Martin Clunes), who is set to be married to a woman named Sophie (Catherine Tate) on Christmas Eve. However after Mr Poppy's (Marc Wootton) donkey kicks Mr Shepard in the head, he loses his memory. It's up to Mr Poppy and the school's kids to get Mr Shepard to New York for his wedding. And in order to do this, they enter a flash mob competition, hosted by Mr Shepard's love rival, Bradley Finch (Adam Garcia)

I probably would have missed the film entirely, primarily because I hadn't seen the first two films, but after hearing that the film was "like a John Lewis Christmas ad directed by Satan", well, I just had to go and see it. And, in all honesty, I didn't think it was that bad. Sure the kids...acting, was off-putting, I didn't see anything truly wrong with it.

Then it got to the thirty minute mark.

Before I truly go into this, I want to say one thing. Which will go onto a rant. I cannot recall a film (at this time) that I have hated more. I absolutely detested this film and, like Mr Bradshaw at the Guardian suggested, some kind of evil force was behind this film's creation. I must admit, the thirty minute mark I mentioned a moment ago is an estimate. In this one hour and forty minute film, I spent too long thinking "when is this going to end?". I have never thought that a Christmas film, of all things, would cause me to hate life, to end up being a Grinch. I was literally the first person to leave the screening of this film today. The second the credits came up, I was out of my seat and made my way down the aisle to the exit. Like Mr Robbie Collin said in the Telegraph, I did think about finding a donkey in the head to make me forget what I just watched. Mainly because that's the easiest remark to think of. Instead I stocked up my fridge with alcohol and am planning on drinking myself into a mild coma tonight in order to forget what I saw.

Onto the review now right?

Firstly, I mentioned in the first paragraph that, as far as I was aware going into the film, no returning characters from the previous films were coming back. I am wrong. Mr Poppy is a recurring character in the Nativity films, with Wootton playing him in all three films. I. I have never wanted a character to die as much as Mr Poppy. I wanted him to die more than Joffrey from Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire. I want you to think about that for a moment.

That is a bit of an extreme view, I know, I admit it is. But my hatred for this character knows no bounds. This character is obnoxious, arrogant, and (probably the most dangerous aspect of the three) unknowing. This character is not aware of the consequences of his actions, and that is dangerous when this film is primarily aimed at kids. Ignoring the fact that this character for no reason brings a donkey to school (I'll come back to the donkey in a moment), while I am not a medically qualified individual (the closest training I've had is that of a fire warden at a past job), if a character gets kicked in the head by a donkey (or falls out of a tree, as Mr Poppy believes) and is unconscious as a result, I don't think violently shaking the individual is the best thing to do. I also have serious doubts about the qualifications of the doctor who WAS shown in the film. On top of that, Mr Poppy commits MULTIPLE felonies, including showing how lax airport security is at Birmingham International.

The donkey, the...sub-title character. Okay I lied, Mr Poppy does bring in the donkey for a reason. This donkey, can "sing and dance", and Mr Poppy believes this will allow the school to win a flash mob competition, which will subsequently allow the school to pass its Ofsted inspection. This actually raises a few things. One, why is Ofsted doing an inspection so close to Christmas? Two, why are the KIDS still at school? Does this school not do Christmas holidays? The events of this film take place only a COUPLE OF DAYS before Christmas Day, including Christmas Eve. Three, the headteacher Mrs Keen does NOT authorise this, so surely the school will fail because Mr Poppy has effectively KIDNAPPED these kids and the school has NOT noticed?

And then, when the donkey goes "missing", while Mr Poppy does ask about it a couple of times, there is NO urgency shown in trying to find it. Of course, this film also does other huge cock ups. Firstly, the planet earth has different time zones. The gap between the United Kingdom and the United States (the New York side anyway), is five hours, I think. There is one scene where Mr Shepard, in Coventry, England, talks to Sophie, in New York, New York, where (while a time is not given) it is most likely the morning in England, so it should be night time in the United States. Then, there is one scene where it is obviously quite late in London. I walk home from work, it gets dark just after half four, in which case, WHY ARE THERE STILL KIDS IN SCHOOL? Do these kids not have families?!

Alright, okay, that last paragraph was mostly small bits that just really bug me. Let's move on. The story feels strained, all over the place, underwhelming, and incredibly childish. You can argue that, yes, the main audience is children. I can call bullshit on that. The best Christmas films appeal to both children AND adults. 'Elf' did that. 'The Muppet Christmas Carol' did that. Oh yeah, kids will love this film. It won't teach them anything useful (in fact it'll teach them how to lie, steal, and how to pelt someone with balls just for doing their job), but they'll love it.

The whole flash mob concept feels dated (not as dated as spoofing the title of a film fourteen years old), as well as forced upon us. Which it actually is, seeing as how they're only doing it to get themselves, primarily Shepard, to New York, which is stupid since, as he's getting married, he should ALREADY HAVE A PLANE TICKET. Whenever the flash mob idea comes on screen, it is poorly delivered, where it looks like it was pieced together at the last minute (and no, apart from one scene where they reference The Voice, we don't see the characters rehearse their routine at all).

The kids, the kids are hit and miss. The kids used are local, or I believe they are anyway. Fourteen of the kids are from a Midlands group called the ReAct Kids Agency, and director Debbie Isitt's daughter, Sydney Isitt, is also in the film. Now, I can respect her for doing this, giving young local kids a chance to act in a proper film. However, just because they're kids, does not mean we should give them a free ride. While they can show some good skills, most of the time they say their lines like they're reading them off a card off screen, which is actually reinforced when they DO look off screen. The choreography looks like it was rehearsed but made up on the spot as well, and all of the singing, not just from the kids but the adults as well, feels awkward.

Lauren Hobbs (who plays...Lauren) is a prime example. Yes, she can...can be...tolerable, BUT, most of the time it feels like she's being rammed down our throats. Maybe it's because of the way she has been written, like how she seems to know/care a lot about a group of other kids, who she has NEVER MET BEFORE. There was also a point where she cries at her dad (Shepard) about why he couldn't remember anything, at which point I wanted to shout "Because he has fucking amnesia you stupid cow! Jesus Christ!". But at the same time, she is portraying a kid whose dad can't remember her (amnesia that only works whenever the film wants it to, as well as only being fixed if you "believe". It also gives someone the ability to know how a steam engine operates), and she does do these bits very well. I suppose it would have been better if it was just the one kid we stuck with, but this film throws an entire classroom at us. Throwing that many inexperienced kids at us is not a good thing.

The adults acting, for the most part, is not any better than the kids. Catherine Tate is the greatest crime in this film, not because of her acting though. I am, admittedly, not a fan of Tate's. I hated her character as Donna Noble from 'Doctor Who' and overall hated 'The Catherine Tate Show', but I know what Catherine Tate is capable of. Saying she is underused in this is an understatement, she might as well be window dressing.

Marc Wootton, I cannot stress enough how much I hated Mr Poppy, but I cannot say he was entirely bad in this, he can raise a chuckle here and there. Celia Imrie and Adam Garcia provide the best acting in this because they keep up the consistency, Imrie is only a bit character though who is actually the only character in the film to not like Mr Poppy. And the reasons why are perfectly valid. Garcia meanwhile plays a great panto villain that suits the film perfectly. Whether that was intentional or not, I don't know. Clunes though seems to think that pretending to have amnesia gives him an excuse not to bother with any effort.

Oh, and I almost forgot about this. I keep forgetting that this is a Christmas film. Christmas virtually plays no part in this, it's just a convenient time of year to put "wish" and "believe" into it. Shepard forgetting all about Christmas is easily brushed over. Which is odd because Christmas is shoved down our throats in this film, and yet the gritty nature of 'Get Santa' feels more Christmassy.

Is there any point in me trying to write a conclusion? I've already expressed my hatred for this film. I know, I'll try and...somehow balance it all out. Kids will definitely enjoy it, they're the only ones who find continuous fart jokes funny, but adults will struggle to get pass the inept comedy, the all over the place script, the lame characters, and the forced songs. Okay that's not balancing it out but I'm struggling to find any good things about this. The film is just horrendous, detestable, and not one I would recommend any time soon. The only reason why I haven't insulted this film any more is because I've used up my insults earlier and the alcohol is kicking in.