Do you know what I want you to do? I want you to imagine me sitting at a table, my head in one hand and drumming my fingers on the table with the other hand, with a look of...hmmm...let's say frustrated. You see, after reviewing 'Burning Secrets' I was in the mood for something to do with witches and magic. I remember seeing this before in the cinema, with Miss Sturdgess, and others. I don't remember it being this bad though.
'The Covenant' finds Pogue (Taylor Kitsch), yet another guy whose parents gave a weird name, Reid (Toby Hemingway), Tyler (Chace Crawford), and their leader Caleb (Steven Strait)...doing stuff. But this group are descendants of witches, and therefore have magic powers. Their ancestors had formed a Covenant during the witch hunts so they can stay safe, however a fifth member, whose line was thought long since dead, turns up and threatens to break that pact. Caleb also woos Sarah (Laura Ramsey).
THIS FILM IS STUPID.
My God was it awful. I really don't remember it being this bad. Let's start off with the beginning. We first get some text stating: "No-one really knows how The Power came to be. Not even the Book of Damnation recorded it's beginning. But those who mastered it have always been hunted. In the middle of the 17th Century, many escaped the brutal witch-hunting in England and France by coming to America. After the brutal persecution of those with The Power spread through Massachusetts, the families of Ipswich formed a Covenant of Silence. And for 300 years it has kept them safe. Until now".
Barely a minute in and already I'm dreading this. Firstly, are you really going to just call it "The Power"? Nothing mystical? Nothing awe inspiring? Secondly, what the Hell is the Book of Damnation? The film is acting like we should know about it, and yet any information I can find about it says that it's a book made up by H.P. Lovecraft. Thirdly, they escaped the witch-hunting in England and France, to go to another country where there was witch-hunting taking place (This is of course the excuse to set the film in America. If there even had to be one).
But those aren't the only questions you'll be asking. You'll be asking "what's ascending?", "what is the Book of Damnation?", "what's willing?", "what actually is The Power?", "What's the Fall Fest?", "Who's Agnes Goodwin?", "What in the blue Hell is a Darkling?", and more. And if you think you'll get any answers, well screw you because the film doesn't think that you do. Okay, in all fairness we do get answers to...some of these questions, but only towards the end when you figure them out for yourself. Until then the film assumes you already know. Then again apparently a comic tie-in was released to promote this film, suppose it was too much trouble to promote THAT. Not only that but since the comic and its writers aren't mentioned in the film, it's generally not regarded as source material to the film. So that had a point.
Before I forget, what the Hell was the point of a Darkling? It doesn't do anything and it disappears the second you see it. I can only assume it's suppose to scare the main characters, because it certainly doesn't scare the audience. But it's effectively more scared of the characters than the other way around.
Now, do you remember that point from the opening text narration which states that the Covenant was formed to protect the (four) families of Ipswich? Well guess what? You get to watch out heroes risk revealing themselves at every given time, particularly at very crowded locations. Hell, they actually do reveal their powers, when two police officers see them FLY OFF A CLIFF. IN A CAR. Those Sons of Ipswich are just lucky the police chief didn't believe the police officers. In fact when they do this scene, Reid says "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!".
Ten minutes haven't even passed by this point and already I hate this film. I want to vent three major problems with this scene. Well, two actually I already point out that these characters are idiotic for risking breaking their so called sacred Covenant of Silence. But point two, when the film says "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!", it's effectively saying it's better than the Harry Potter franchise. This film has no God damn right to say that, the Harry Potter books and films, despite what I said in my 'Harry Potter and the Plot Convenience' post, has a fantastic story arch, let alone brilliant individual stories, well thought out characters, and are interesting, intriguing, and damn right entertaining. 'The Covenant' is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. Third point, with that same line, it has to be pointed out that 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' book, the story with a flying car, came out in 1998. The book beat this film to the punch with having a flying car, Hell, the film adaptation came out in 2002. 'The Covenant' is not up-showing the Harry Potter franchise, IT'S RIPPING IT OFF.
Good lord I haven't even come across the acting yet. Looking at other reviews online, one review I came across was that acting was wooden in this film. I believe that's an insult to wood. There's bad acting, and then there's 'The Covenant'. Hell, some of the acting is so bad, I actually think some of the lines they deliver are dubbed, with Steven Strait and Sebastian Stan being the main culprits. Toby Hemmingway is another one who never delivers his lines with any emotion.
Then again the script doesn't really help much. That's right, even the dialogue is shit. We have such lines like "Look, I don't even like the guy. Are you sure you weren't imagining things?"; because when you don't like someone, you'd then immediately defend him. What about "It's as if she was bitten by hundreds of insects. Like spiders"; when you hear a doctor doesn't know the difference between insects and arachnids, you start to worry about the hospital you're in. Then there's "I have everything I want. It's what I need. More power"; so you want more power. Then to round it off "How about I make you my 'weyotch'?"; which makes me want the characters to just stop talking.
Oh God the effects. You know that I am not the biggest fan of CGI. And this film, oh my God. These effects, are some of the worse I have ever seen, if not THE worse. You want to know how bad it is? I've seen better effects in Asylum films. I might even go as far to say that 'Horrorvision' has better effects! And the weirdest thing, three years before this, the same people brought out 'Underworld'. And while I do now find the only good thing about 'Underworld' is Kate Beckinsale in tight leather, that film is still much better than this, and it has some really good effects. So what the Hell happened between 'Underworld' and 'The Covenant'? Hell, they even use special effects on the sky!
Are there any good things I can say about this film? Well, I like how the magic is compared to a drug, how it can very easily become addictive. How the characters can easily slip into that lust, and yet the more they use their powers, the quicker their bodies can wear down. I'll give the film that, I do like how they describe The Power as a drug.
And that's it. THIS FILM IS AWFUL. How the Hell did I like this seven years ago? Hmmm, maybe it was because I was focusing more on something else that made me happy. But enough of something that will set me off drinking again, I have a film to slate! The acting is worse than soap dramas, the Asylum do better effects, the story is boring, the plot points themselves are glanced over, it raises more questions than it answers, and it has one of the stupidest climatic battles and endings I've ever seen. See the spoiler section! Thankfully this film did so bad, I seriously doubt that these rumours of a sequel will come to fruition. And good because the obvious sequel baiting also pissed me off! You see the picture on your left here? That's how you'll feel when you see this film.
Spoiler Section
And this film has the most stupid concept regarding the climatic battle. There are four main characters who have The Power. There is one villain (An obvious villain at that, you can figure out who it is within half an hour, and in hindsight it should have been obvious the first time you see the villain). The villain is very powerful, since his father 'willed' his son his share of power. There are two ways to defeat him, either you have someone will (It sounds stupid) their share of power so someone could be equal to or more powerful than the villain, or the four Ipswich sons can unite and show that it's not about power, it's about friendship and love, that together they can overcome anything.
Or you could ignore those options, and Caleb can go after the villain by himself, getting his arse kicked as a result, while his friends, who have just realised their characters now could have been left out of the plot and nothing will have changed, prove how useless they are when they can't do the simple task of protecting Caleb's girlfriend. It's a wonder that Caleb's mum had to do something behind Caleb's back in order for him to win.
No comments:
Post a Comment