Sx_Tape (2014)

It seems like an appropriate time doesn't it? I mean, Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel's new film 'Sex Tape' is coming out soon (in the UK), Tulisa Contostavlos was involved in a sex tape recently, and heck, yesterday naked photos were leaked/hacked from numerous celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence. Speaking of which, I don't like what has happened to her. At all. You'd think I would, I think Miss Lawrence is one of the most beautiful, funny, and smart women on the planet. These leaked images, not just of her but of all the other people who have had their private photos effectively stolen and published without their consent, is a despicable act and a violation of their civil rights, an act that should not be tolerated.

With that out of the way let's look at 'Sx_Tape'. And I absolutely refuse to call this film sex tape, the name of this film is "S X underscore Tape".

Here we find Jill (Caitlyn Folley) and Adam (Ian Duncan), a couple who are EXTREME risk takers. Jill though is also an artist while Adam is a filmmaker who wants to make a film about Jill. He jokes about doing a sex tape to get her art noticed (hey all you struggling artists, THIS is how you succeed in life!), which eventually leads to them filming a sex tape in an abandoned hospital. Because why the fuck not? Of course the hospital is not completely abandoned. There's a supernatural presence who our characters royally piss off. Which is understandable, I'd be pretty angry if some random couple broke into my home just to have sex.

And if these two had watched 'Paranormal Incident 2' they'd have known that the building was haunted. No, seriously

Here's the shot of the building in 'Sx_tape'

And here it is in 'Paranormal Incident 2'. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING BUILDING! Most people, you know, they go "oh I recognise that actor/actress, I saw him/her in this film", not me, oh no no, I go "hey, I recognise that building, I saw that in this piece of shit!".

I in all honesty don't know where to start with this. I should probably start off with, "I hate it". There's no going round the mulberry bush, no need to try and obscure it until the end, this film is pure and utter garbage. I didn't even realise until the filming of the 'Within the Woods' review (which is done and will be out shortly) how much I hated it when I held up the filming to show them bits of the film and complain about it.

And one of the major problems is the characters, I don't care about them. Hell, the two major characters who we pretty spend the entire film with we learn virtually nothing about them. These characters are so unsympathetic, so annoying, so self-absorbed, so downright unlikable, that you they don't even register as a footnote in this film. You watch them bounce around the screen and feel nothing for them. You don't hope they die, you don't hope they live, you watch them and don't care where the journey ends. The two leads spend the first thirty odd minutes wandering around, and then two minor characters show up, the new girl Ellie (Diana Garcia) who is so unmemorable I had to look up her name, and Bobby (Chris Coy) who, actually I'll take back what I said earlier, you will hate this guy.

Oh and of course this film is about a sex tape, so it's the perfect excuse for the lead bimbo girl to get her boobs out. At one point she is stark naked. We only see her from behind, but she is facing a window with a street underneath, but you still get plenty of ass and breast shots with Caitlyn Folley. What does all this nudity do for the film you may ask? Absolutely nothing! It just means there's about five times more boobs then a normal horror film would have! The whole sex tape premise could have been taken out, and we'd just be left with another 'Grave Encounters' or another 'Paranormal Incident', heck in a way we still have that!

And now we come onto the ghost (Julie Marcus), the one and only ghost in this film. Who, actually now that I think about it, is onscreen for about five minutes. AND ISN'T SCARY. In fact, I don't actually recall this film doing any scares, at all. If you look on the wikipedia article on this, you will see it say that it says the ghost "systematically terrorises them". This is NOT what happens. The characters slowly approach her and she disappears. The characters go down the corridor, she runs off, she is not terrorising the characters, she is literally RUNNING AWAY.

The acting....the acting...oh God I think I just found a positive. I can't actually think of anything bad to say about the acting, probably because my hatred was at everything else. That being said, I can't say anyone really stands out, no particular individual comes to mind when thinking who was the...best. Apart from Miss Folley, but that's mainly because she's the main focus of the film, the camera is in her face for a majority of the film.

Back to a negative, there's little to no effects in this film. Which is understandable for a low budget venture. These normally come into effect whenever the ghost affects the camera, which include turning the screen green and the odd bit static. I suppose in all fairness they did alright on a low budget, but at the same time nothing new has been brought to the screen.

I just realised I haven't really gone into depth about the story, but then again do I need to? Let's film a sex tape in an abandoned hospital, how is that ever a good idea? Let's spend the beginning of this film NOT making you care about the characters. And even when things are actually up and running, there's still a feeling that nothing is really happening, for the most part this film just involves pandering around. And also, for whatever reason, this building that has been in disrepair for goodness knows how long, still has power and water. When a film is supposed to look into the sexual abuse of female patients in institutions and fails to make any sense, something has gone wrong.

So. In case you didn't quite get it, I hate this movie. This movie is a blight on the film industry. For one positive you find, there's about ten negatives to swamp it and make it disappear. I cannot fathom why a writer would create characters so unlikable, or design a story to be so dull. If you want to waste part of your life watching a film where the only highlight is recognising a God damn building from another film, this is the movie for you.

Maleficent (2014)

So, we all know how popular Wicked is. The tale of the Wizard of Oz from the perspective of the villain; the Wicked Witch of the West. It showed that there's always two sides to every tale, that a villain may not be as evil as we thought they were, it makes us think about what the villain's motivation is and, in some ways, actually helps film makers develop them better. It's all well and good having a guy destroying a city, but films like 'Chronicle' and Starkid's 'Twisted' show us why a villain does what he or she does the things they do, and in some cases even root for them. But how do you do that to a villain like Maleficent? Heck I didn't even realise she was a fairy until I saw this film and looked her up on wikipedia.

But anyway, once upon a time, Maleficent (Angelina Jolie) the fairy fell in love with a human called Stefan (Sharlto Copley), who in the end betrayed her by...mutilating her body by stealing her wings in order to be king. Filled with rage and hatred, Maleficent curses Stefan's daughter Aurora (Elle Fanning), but Aurora might be the only one to help Maleficent find her former self.

In all honesty the film does start off slow. It's showing the background of Maleficent, yeah I can understand that. But the problem is that the actress playing a young Maleficent and the actor playing a young Stefan weren't that great. Then again it might have been them doing the best they can with a pretty meh script and meh effects (I'll come back to this). Even when we see Angelina Jolie she struggles to cope until she turns into her vengeful self. And I have to say it was when Jolie started acting more like the Maleficent we all knew that I remembered why I used to like her acting.

The story really does pick up when Maleficent's wings are stolen, which is actually a metaphor for rape. Yes it is. It really is a great tale about how revenge and hatred and consume someone so much they lose themselves, without thinking of the consequences. You see how Maleficent's new frightening demeanor now makes the creatures she once protected fear her. In fact it's the relationship between Maleficent and Aurora which truly makes this film, how they develop one another; though Aurora develops Maleficent more than the other way round.

The effects, are hit and miss really, admittedly they were more hit than miss. Oh there are some truly spectacular visuals, in particular the Moors and Maleficent's wings are just beautiful to look at, and Diaval's (Sam Riley) shapeshifting and the different species of creatures look great, but there are other bits which are iffy. The three pixies Knotgrass (Imelda Staunton), Thistlewit (Juno Temple), and Flittle (Lesley Manville) just look weird when small, the battle scenes don't look right (for some of it anyway), and the thorn wall looks fake. But for the most part the effects are quite good.

The acting is actually like how I described the film; it's not really there at first but once it gets going it's very well done. I already mentioned Jolie's performance, but it's quite similar for Copley as well who struggled at first but then pulled off a great performance; though I feel his performance in District 9 was far superior. Fanning gave a great portrayal throughout as Aurora, but I think Riley gave a...what's the word I'm looking for? I think Riley gave a performance which may have gone unnoticed and didn't get the credit it deserved, he did a really good job as Maleficent's servant.


Really the only major weakness is the script which can be lacking in many areas. But overall, it's actually better than what I thought it would be. It's several hours after I saw it, and I want to see it again. The film starts off slow and wavers towards the end, but it's the middle part that saves it with the relationship between Maleficent and Aurora. The acting is great overall, the effects are spectacular in areas but meh in others, the odd laugh here and there as well, it is a great portrayal of Sleeping Beauty from the villain's point of view.

Wrestlemania 30 Predictions

The showcase of the Immortals, the grandest stage of them all, has returned. Once again it is time for Wrestlemania to grace our screens. And it's actually interesting compared to last years. Probably because we don't have the "Twice in a lifetime" match with the obvious conclusion. Then again we do have a similar situation where Batista came back from his four year absence to stroll right back into the main event picture, and with that the WWE unintentionally made Batista a heel, Alberto del Rio a sudden and temporary face, and Randy Orton into a tweener.

But let's get down to it and have a look at tonight's matches shall we?


The Usos (Jimmy and Jey Uso) vs. Los Matadores (Diego and Fernando) vs. The Real Americans (Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro) vs. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) - WWE Tag Team Championship

Well, okay some of the matches aren't that interesting. We may get some entertainment, no doubt about it, I'd love to see Cesaro swing Ryback round and round. The problem is, it doesn't really matter who wins this. The Real Americans are just in a period of not doing anything, RybAxel just aren't interesting, so really it's between Los Matadores (formerly known as Primo and Epico) and the former longest-number-one-contenders-to-the-tag-team-titles the Usos.

I'm going to have to give this to the Usos, it just seems to be more of a champions defend the titles successfully kind of thing. Only two of the teams are really on a high and it just doesn't seem right for the Matadores to win.

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

Hey! Another match no-one really gives a crap about! The only real interest in the Diva's division right now is A.J Lee, since she's the only one who really has a personality. A split personality, but a personality nonetheless.

Granted the fact that the Bella Twins won the Slammy Diva of the year instead of A.J Lee shows that the WWE has no idea what to do with their Divas division. The only reason why the Bellas won the Slammy was because of the 'Total Divas' show.

But that's besides the point. As much as I'd like A.J Lee to retain, I actually see Tamina winning it. I think A.J Lee will think that Tamina will lay down for her, but she'll pin A.J instead.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Okay, this is actually the most difficult to predict. Especially since according to the photo, there's still three vacant positions. All I can say is who isn't going to win; Big E Langston, The Great Khali, Brodus Clay, 3MB (unfortunately), Sin Cara, etc, etc.

But then again, who knows, one of them might win it. But I suppose I'll name three people who I think will win it. I believe the top three people to win this battle royal are Christian, Dolph Ziggler, and the Miz, though Dolph and Christian do have a bit of a story going on (not with each other), so they're probably the more likely candidates. But yeah, one of those three.

The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins) vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws (Road Dogg and Billy Gunn)

Wow, how low has Kane sunk recently? It wasn't that long ago when the masked version of Kane had reappeared and we were all excited about seeing the return of the big red monster.

Now he's losing matches week in, week out, and looks more helpless than destructive nowadays. Meanwhile the New Age Outlaws had a good little run as Tag Team Champions, and now....hmmm. Meanwhile the Shield ran through a patch where everyone thought the WWE was going to break up everyone's favourite trio. They did it with Evolution, they did it with Nexus, with the Corre, JBL's Cabinet, and so on and so fourth. Oh, the Shield will dissolve eventually, it's inevitable, but the Shield is extremely popular, so to see them almost break up with the usual cliches, it was annoying. But now the WWE has taken a risk with them and turned them face so it seems all good for now. I think this team has actually survived the longest since Evolution (Maybe Nexus).

But between these two teams, I'm going to have to give it to the Hounds of Justice. I just can't see them losing this one. Oh, Kane and the New Age Outlaws will give them a good fight, but the Hounds will prevail.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

Wow, a John Cena match which I'm actually interested in! Unlike all of his matches for the past ten years. But then that's mainly due to Bray Wyatt.

Wyatt is pretty much the perfect man to work of Cena; the Cenation Leader versus the Eater of Worlds. Rise above Hate versus Follow the Buzzards. Wyatt has gone into some great feuds with Kane, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and now John Cena. And Wyatt has some impressive victories under his belt, one against Kane, Bryan, and Big Show the other week. On the other hand, it's John Cena. "Lol Cena kicks out at two".

In all fairness though, this does actually seem to be Wyatt's night. It will most likely be Cena, but I'm thinking Wyatt will win the bout.

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H

It's the second coming of the Attitude Era, named by Triple H as the Reality Era, featuring Triple H and Daniel Bryan instead of Mr. McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin respectively, the Authority instead of the Corporation.

And it has been quite entertaining. It's certainly the most interesting storyline right now, with the Yes Movement even being the cause of other storylines, The Shield's rivalry with Kane being one, Bryan's engagement with Brie Bella the only reason why the Bellas are getting a push, and the winner of this bout getting into the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match.

Momentum and story is with Bryan and the most popular wrestler in WWE following CM Punk's departure, meanwhile Triple H is semi-retired, he won't be becoming Champion anytime soon. This match belongs to Daniel Bryan.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

It's the Streak match! Is there any point in "predicting" this? Granted both wrestlers hardly wrestle now, the Undertaker is only brought back for his Wrestlemania match while Lesnar is apparently contracted to wrestle two or three times a year. Anyway, Undertaker wins.

Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. ? - WWE World Heavyweight Championship

And the winner is....Daniel Bryan!

As previously mentioned, the winner of the Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H match would be put into this match, and with the fact that it looks like Randy Orton is A) on the heel side of the tweener with the fans, and B) likely to lose his title, and the fact that Batista has quickly become one of the most unliked returning wrestlers since................ever (well, maybe the Rock but people still loved him). And people complained a tiny bit when Daniel Bryan didn't enter the Royal Rumble match at number 30, something which actually caught the attention of the BBC. Surprisingly.

So yeah, the YES Movement will win the main event.


And that ladies and gentlemen was this years predictions, roll on Wrestlemania 31.

Scooby Doo: WrestleMania Mystery (2014)

Well, WrestleMania is around the corner and what better way to celebrate it then to look at something involving wrestling. And at the same time an old cartoon dog that I use to love watching when I was a kid. Yes ladies and gentlemen it is time for Scooby Doo: WrestleMania mystery. Yeah, bet you never thought you'd hear Scooby Doo and WrestleMania/WWE in the same sentence. And I bet you can think of what that will result in can't you?

After winning a WWE competition, Scooby (Frank Welker) and the gang head to WWE City (that's right, the WWE has become so powerful it's now a settlement), where they meet WWE superstars like John Cena, Sin Cara, A.J Lee, Brodus Clay, The Miz, Triple H, Kane, and the almighty Vincent Kennedy McMahon (all played by themselves. Except for Sin Cara who was played by Hunico. Okay fine Sin Cara didn't talk). However they also find that WWE City is being terrorised by a Ghost Bear, which threatens the grandest stage of them all; WrestleMania.

I loved this film.

What? I really truly did! The story is brilliant, it manages to mold the traditional Scooby Doo mystery together with the WWE storylines perfectly. And it wasn't afraid to take the mick out of itself, like Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) saying that they were the same clothes everyday, that Sin Cara talks through the art of interpretive dance, and John Cena speaks masked luchador. Even Kane has a little self imposed exiled backstory after losing a WWE title match due to controversial means.

The comedy is actually really good, some real good tongue-in-cheek moments. Like when A.J Lee helped train Shaggy and Scooby to wrestle, resulting in Shaggy calling her "Kane with lipstick". I absolutely loved that line. Actually speaking of which the voice actors, in particular the WWE superstars, did really well with their voice acting, especially A.J Lee and the Miz, even John Cena did well! Although, truth be told, he could have done better.

As for the regular cast they do really well too. Mathew Lillard does extremely well as Shaggy, even in the live action films, he actually sounds like the Shaggy when I watched 'Scooby Doo' as a kid. Frank Welker is still the god of voice acting, and Grey DeLisle and Mindy Cohn continue to show why they have voiced Daphne and Velma for so long.

It is actually quite hard to say anything else about this. It really is an enjoyable piece of animation, speaking of which is great. The chemistry between the characters is fantastic, it is quite funny, the story is well done, the original characters in Cookie (Charles S. Dutton) and Ruben (Bumper Johnson) are interesting, and the mash between Scooby Doo and the WWE was brilliantly well done. My review doesn't really give it justice, but believe me, it is a fantastic film.

Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

So I recently went to see Wicked the musical at the Milton Keynes Theatre. And I have to say it was fantastic, the acting was brilliant, the songs were excellent, it truly had the passion and energy to be magnificent. If you get the chance do not pass it up. But for now, it's been less than a week and I miss the show and, unfortunately Wicked doesn't appear to be on DVD like Les Miserables, so I decided to get 'Oz the Great and Powerful' to help ease the burden.

It's not the same.

Oscar Diggs (James Franco), "Oz" to his mates, ends up travelling to Oz (what a coincidence that Oz's nickname matches the name of the place). Here he meets Theodora (Mila Kunis) and Evanora (Rachel Weisz) who ask him to kill the Wicked Witch (Michelle Williams), but is everything all that it seems?

This film is kinda weird. And not in the Oz-weirdness that we're used to in 'The Wizard of Oz' or Wicked, no, this film is just weird. I mean, for the first ten, fifteen minutes or so when Oz is in our world, it's black and white and the screen is small. I can understand why it's black and white, the 1939 film started off the same way, identifying the normality and, in some cases, the dullness of our world, before going to the bright and exciting world of Oz. The land, not the character. But, why was the screen small? Was the film making fun of what TV's were like sixty, seventy, eighty years ago? There was no real need to make the screen so small.

Now, it doesn't really help that the characters don't seem real. Oh, I know the film involves witches, porcelain dolls, flying baboons, and munchkins, but that's beside the point. No-one seems suited for their roles, and that's a damn shame because I know these people can act. Rachel Weisz, Mila Kunis, James Franco, Michelle Williams, these people can act. The problem is they're portraying characters they shouldn't be playing. Well, okay, Williams is actually believable in her role and Franco the......second closest, but no-one else can really match them.

Not only that, but the surroundings don't look real. If you look back at the 1939 film, everything looks real, the sets looked believable, for the time it was made anyway. You look at this film, and it looks painfully obvious that they are performing in front of a giant green screen. Not just that, but anything that isn't humanoid looks fake.

And it definitely doesn't help that the plot is all over the place. After a slow start it suddenly goes into overdrive and jumps from place to place, plot point to plot point. You learn a fair bit about Oz before he goes to...Oz...seriously, that's the problem with naming your title character the same as the location of the film. Anyway, we learn a fair bit about his life before he goes to Oz, but there's only really two points which come up again when he goes to Oz, neither of which are really that effective, it's not like the the lessons that Dorothy learns when she goes to Oz, they're more minor inconveniences for Oz.

So let's see. The acting is off, the characters aren't good, the story is all over the place, everything looks fake, and yet I still want to watch this film again. Yeah, it's really bizarre, but despite the flaws it's still quite an enjoyable film to watch. It seems to be one of those films where it's so bad it's good. It's got a certain knack, a certain feeling to it, you want to continue watching it. Maybe it's some references to the 'The Wizard of Oz', but then again 'Wicked' did that also to a better effect.

So, this is bad. The film is exceedingly bad, there's no denying it. The acting is off, the characters are bland, the story feels rushed at times, the effects look bad, and yet it has that certain something which actually doesn't make the film horrendous. Although, there is...one certain aspect of the film which makes you wonder why. See the spoiler section below.










Spoiler Section

Mila Kunis in the Wicked Witch! Of the West anyway. Rachel Weisz is the Wicked Witch of the East, Michelle Williams is the Good Witch of the North. And they thought we wouldn't notice?! I mean, sure, Oz wouldn't know that Evanora and Theodora were the Wicked Witches, but seriously? Did you really expect that a large part of your audience hadn't watched the original film that came out 80 years ago? The fact that Evanora and Theodora wore dark clothes while the "evil" Glinda wore white? I mean look at your promotional poster!

Right there!

You're showing the "twist" in your bloody poster!

Course, Theodora is also wearing white, which is actually quite good since part of the film focuses on the battle of her soul between the forces of good and her evil sister. And the film does show a pretty smart reference to the original film when Theodora's tears cause her skin to crack, due to her weakness to water. And here I thought she was a Xenomorph.

And of course this comes to the worst part of this film. Mila Kunis is the Wicked Witch. No disrespect to Mila Kunis, but, she is not a good Wicked Witch. No pun intended. Her anger doesn't come off well, her rage filled screams don't sound right. You know how I said in 'The Many Voices of the Joker' post that if you can't do the Joker's laugh you can't play the Joker. It's exactly the same with the Witch's laugh, and Mila Kunis cannot do the Witch's laugh.

But, you know how the Wicked Witch in the 1939 film was terrifying and scary?

The 2013 version is fucking hilarious.

Look, as much as I like Mila Kunis, the way her character was portrayed in this film was a mistake.

The Children (2008)

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the end of 2013 as we know it.

So let's celebrate it the only way we know how.

Getting drunk.

And then watch my review of 'The Children'.

Yeah, follow the link please.

Top Ten Worst Films of 2013

And now it's time for the worst of 2013, and boy did we have a random selection this year. We've had films about animals, shellfish people, zombies, pretend zombies, ghosts, and...Movie 43.

10. World War Z

I'll be honest. Originally I didn't think of putting this film on the list of worst films of 2013. As I said in my review, it's a crap adaptation, and on its own merits it's just watchable. But then, hearing time and time again from people saying how good it is, how "brilliant". And it's really pissing me off, particularly because it keeps making me think about how bad it was. Brad Pitt, was the only good thing in that film, the rest of bullshit. The fake CGI zombies looked crap, the story was rushed, the film is riddled with pointless scenes, and it brings nothing new to the zombie genre. For all the hype it remains one of the biggest disappointments I've ever seen on the big screen.

9. The Harry Hill Movie

Speaking of disappointments. Then again, as I said in the review, did I expect anything else? Harry has developed a certain sense of humour which I knew was going to be hard to transfer from the small screen to the big screen. The thing is, it worked at first, but then as the film went on it got worse and worse. I think the point when it started going downhill was when Johnny Vegas suddenly started talking as the hamster Abu, but I truly lost it when Michelle the Shellfish humanoid turned up, from that point I knew the film was going to struggle. And it did. I wish it didn't, but it did.


8. A Talking Cat!?!

Yes, 'A Talking Cat!?!' is on this list. But then again, did we expect anything else? Looking back on it, I can remember some bits and pieces I remember quite fondly, like Johnny Whitaker's acting, the overall story, but that doesn't make the film good. The acting is poor, the story is just bizarre, the effects of the talking cat are just horrendous, and the characters are so bland I completely forgot about one of them. Or thought two of the characters were the same person anyway. Although, talking about this film has reminded me that 'A Talking Pony!?!' was supposed to come out, but I can't seem to find a copy.
Birdemic 2 is now officially on the way from America though.

7. Sharknado

"Enough said!", that was what sold me on this film, and boy was this film stupid. But, like 'A Talking Cat!?!', what did you expect? It's a film where science is thrown out the window, where the story is stupid, where characters are introduced only to be killed off, where the sharks looked fake, where the acting is...to be honest kind of adequate. Well except for one person. You see, I could have accepted this as a standard bad film, but Tara Goddamn Reid. I will maintain what I've said, Tara Reid is the worst actress to ever grace the silver screen. Even in the good films she's in she's bad! Julia Roberts does a better job and, as I said in my rant in 'A Talking Cat!?!', she has the acting range of a piece of cardboard! Anyway, 'Sharknado', stupid, but fun...ish.

6. Stranded

From the mind behind 'Battlefield: Earth' of all people. Wish I knew that going in. But then again I suppose it's more my fault for expecting a completely different film. I was expecting to see a psychological horror, instead we got a bland, lacking, and dull alien film. We learn virtually nothing about the characters, which is surprising since there's only four of them, in fact, I remember nothing about the film. Oh yeah, I remember the basics, but I can't really remember what happens. I guess it was that memorable. This film was just one huge disappointment since it should have been something else, something a whole lot better.


5. Spring Breakers

Oh boy I didn't like this one. I mean, wow. Jesus, God damn wow. It tries to be clever but turns out confusing, it repeats itself for no bloody reason, it tries to be unique but ends up causing headaches, it repeats itself for no bloody reason, the acting for the most part is rubbish, and it repeats itself for no bloody reason! James Franco was the only good thing in this film, just like Brad Pitt was the only good thing in 'World War Z'. The only reason why this film made any money I bet was because of young attractive girls only wearing bikinis for a majority of the film. I bet for every ten people you ask why they saw this film, the males would say because of the girls in bikinis, and the females would say they thought it was a comedy. But the main reason why I didn't like this, was because the main characters are the scum of humanity. I cannot see any reason why people should like them. The lesson this film teaches the audience is that if you can't go on holiday, GO ROB A RESTAURANT!

4. Infection Z

Oh Michael Madsen, this just wasn't your year was it? I mean, you had to star in a film which rips off the title to 'World War Z', starring infected people pretending to be zombies. But my God this film was awful. Awful acting, crap acting, no character development, poor story, terrible everything! Even if the zombies were actually zombies and not a mutation of Lyme disease, it brings nothing new to the genre, it's a repeat of 'Night of the Living Dead' only without the messages or the decent characters.
And yet it's still not the worst zombie film I've ever seen.


3. Paranormal Incident 2

Oh boy I wasn't looking forward to this one. I mean, what, with how pointless they made the first 'Paranormal Incident'. I mean, it's always a good sign that a girl shows her boobs within the first thirty seconds isn't it? It continuously mistakes the prison for an asylum, the characters are unmemorable, the plot, as I said in the review, has been done at least five other times, and the deaths and psychological aspects make little sense because we know nothing about the characters backgrounds. And to make it worst it's one of those films which says it's based on true events, even stating it's a "dramatic recreation", before stating in the credits that the whole thing is fictitious. Makes you wonder what the point in saying it's real is.
But hey, the ending didn't make the film pointless, so that's a plus.

2. 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

The worst thing about doing this list of the top ten worst films of 2013, is that it reminded me that I saw this film. Craig Moss is helping to kill off the spoof genre, with 'Breaking Wind' and 'The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up...' blah blah blah, then again the people who helped make that genre with 'Scary Movie' seemed to be doing a good job killing it as well. Anyway, this film. IT'S NOT FUNNY. The spoofs, most of the time, don't make sense, some aren't even recent, the acting is off, and I was just praying that the characters would just die. And yet, there's one worse. You know what it is!

1. Movie 43

THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE! This movie is horrendous! This movie is God awful! Crap! Bullshit! Terrible! Bad!...Not good!...I've run out of words to describe this film! The overall story is confusing, the jokes are insulting, the film goes on for too long, and, despite 17 writers, it appears the script didn't know how people actually acted! Which is bizarre seeing as how this film had so many well known names who gave this film a strong performance for some unknown reason. Hell, if you open your January 2014 issue of Empire and turn to page 38, you will see the following quoted from Richard Gere:

"If you've not seen it yet, you probably don't have to. In fact, please don't. I'm telling you now: do not see it, it's not worth it"

How about this one from Hugh "I got testicles put on my chin" Jackman:

"You've got to keep trying to do different things and risk failing. Hey, look at Movie 43. Or don't! I've got two things to say: I'm sorry. And...I'm sorry"

It also has Stephen Merchant being a dick and saying:

"I just did it for the fun of being in a scene with Halle Berry. I didn't do it for your amusement"

Every single person associated with this film should hang their heads in shame! Hell, do a spiritual cleansing and burn a copy of the film!

And that was my list of the top ten worst films of 2013, let's hope 2014 brings us something better than 'Movie 43'!