Top Ten Worst Films of 2013

And now it's time for the worst of 2013, and boy did we have a random selection this year. We've had films about animals, shellfish people, zombies, pretend zombies, ghosts, and...Movie 43.

10. World War Z

I'll be honest. Originally I didn't think of putting this film on the list of worst films of 2013. As I said in my review, it's a crap adaptation, and on its own merits it's just watchable. But then, hearing time and time again from people saying how good it is, how "brilliant". And it's really pissing me off, particularly because it keeps making me think about how bad it was. Brad Pitt, was the only good thing in that film, the rest of bullshit. The fake CGI zombies looked crap, the story was rushed, the film is riddled with pointless scenes, and it brings nothing new to the zombie genre. For all the hype it remains one of the biggest disappointments I've ever seen on the big screen.

9. The Harry Hill Movie

Speaking of disappointments. Then again, as I said in the review, did I expect anything else? Harry has developed a certain sense of humour which I knew was going to be hard to transfer from the small screen to the big screen. The thing is, it worked at first, but then as the film went on it got worse and worse. I think the point when it started going downhill was when Johnny Vegas suddenly started talking as the hamster Abu, but I truly lost it when Michelle the Shellfish humanoid turned up, from that point I knew the film was going to struggle. And it did. I wish it didn't, but it did.


8. A Talking Cat!?!

Yes, 'A Talking Cat!?!' is on this list. But then again, did we expect anything else? Looking back on it, I can remember some bits and pieces I remember quite fondly, like Johnny Whitaker's acting, the overall story, but that doesn't make the film good. The acting is poor, the story is just bizarre, the effects of the talking cat are just horrendous, and the characters are so bland I completely forgot about one of them. Or thought two of the characters were the same person anyway. Although, talking about this film has reminded me that 'A Talking Pony!?!' was supposed to come out, but I can't seem to find a copy.
Birdemic 2 is now officially on the way from America though.

7. Sharknado

"Enough said!", that was what sold me on this film, and boy was this film stupid. But, like 'A Talking Cat!?!', what did you expect? It's a film where science is thrown out the window, where the story is stupid, where characters are introduced only to be killed off, where the sharks looked fake, where the acting is...to be honest kind of adequate. Well except for one person. You see, I could have accepted this as a standard bad film, but Tara Goddamn Reid. I will maintain what I've said, Tara Reid is the worst actress to ever grace the silver screen. Even in the good films she's in she's bad! Julia Roberts does a better job and, as I said in my rant in 'A Talking Cat!?!', she has the acting range of a piece of cardboard! Anyway, 'Sharknado', stupid, but fun...ish.

6. Stranded

From the mind behind 'Battlefield: Earth' of all people. Wish I knew that going in. But then again I suppose it's more my fault for expecting a completely different film. I was expecting to see a psychological horror, instead we got a bland, lacking, and dull alien film. We learn virtually nothing about the characters, which is surprising since there's only four of them, in fact, I remember nothing about the film. Oh yeah, I remember the basics, but I can't really remember what happens. I guess it was that memorable. This film was just one huge disappointment since it should have been something else, something a whole lot better.


5. Spring Breakers

Oh boy I didn't like this one. I mean, wow. Jesus, God damn wow. It tries to be clever but turns out confusing, it repeats itself for no bloody reason, it tries to be unique but ends up causing headaches, it repeats itself for no bloody reason, the acting for the most part is rubbish, and it repeats itself for no bloody reason! James Franco was the only good thing in this film, just like Brad Pitt was the only good thing in 'World War Z'. The only reason why this film made any money I bet was because of young attractive girls only wearing bikinis for a majority of the film. I bet for every ten people you ask why they saw this film, the males would say because of the girls in bikinis, and the females would say they thought it was a comedy. But the main reason why I didn't like this, was because the main characters are the scum of humanity. I cannot see any reason why people should like them. The lesson this film teaches the audience is that if you can't go on holiday, GO ROB A RESTAURANT!

4. Infection Z

Oh Michael Madsen, this just wasn't your year was it? I mean, you had to star in a film which rips off the title to 'World War Z', starring infected people pretending to be zombies. But my God this film was awful. Awful acting, crap acting, no character development, poor story, terrible everything! Even if the zombies were actually zombies and not a mutation of Lyme disease, it brings nothing new to the genre, it's a repeat of 'Night of the Living Dead' only without the messages or the decent characters.
And yet it's still not the worst zombie film I've ever seen.


3. Paranormal Incident 2

Oh boy I wasn't looking forward to this one. I mean, what, with how pointless they made the first 'Paranormal Incident'. I mean, it's always a good sign that a girl shows her boobs within the first thirty seconds isn't it? It continuously mistakes the prison for an asylum, the characters are unmemorable, the plot, as I said in the review, has been done at least five other times, and the deaths and psychological aspects make little sense because we know nothing about the characters backgrounds. And to make it worst it's one of those films which says it's based on true events, even stating it's a "dramatic recreation", before stating in the credits that the whole thing is fictitious. Makes you wonder what the point in saying it's real is.
But hey, the ending didn't make the film pointless, so that's a plus.

2. 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

The worst thing about doing this list of the top ten worst films of 2013, is that it reminded me that I saw this film. Craig Moss is helping to kill off the spoof genre, with 'Breaking Wind' and 'The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up...' blah blah blah, then again the people who helped make that genre with 'Scary Movie' seemed to be doing a good job killing it as well. Anyway, this film. IT'S NOT FUNNY. The spoofs, most of the time, don't make sense, some aren't even recent, the acting is off, and I was just praying that the characters would just die. And yet, there's one worse. You know what it is!

1. Movie 43

THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE! This movie is horrendous! This movie is God awful! Crap! Bullshit! Terrible! Bad!...Not good!...I've run out of words to describe this film! The overall story is confusing, the jokes are insulting, the film goes on for too long, and, despite 17 writers, it appears the script didn't know how people actually acted! Which is bizarre seeing as how this film had so many well known names who gave this film a strong performance for some unknown reason. Hell, if you open your January 2014 issue of Empire and turn to page 38, you will see the following quoted from Richard Gere:

"If you've not seen it yet, you probably don't have to. In fact, please don't. I'm telling you now: do not see it, it's not worth it"

How about this one from Hugh "I got testicles put on my chin" Jackman:

"You've got to keep trying to do different things and risk failing. Hey, look at Movie 43. Or don't! I've got two things to say: I'm sorry. And...I'm sorry"

It also has Stephen Merchant being a dick and saying:

"I just did it for the fun of being in a scene with Halle Berry. I didn't do it for your amusement"

Every single person associated with this film should hang their heads in shame! Hell, do a spiritual cleansing and burn a copy of the film!

And that was my list of the top ten worst films of 2013, let's hope 2014 brings us something better than 'Movie 43'!