Top Ten Unluckiest Bastards/Bitches

Ever had your heartbroken? I'll assume that everyone has gone through that, I'll assume it's part of everyday life. Today, I've had fresh heartbreak, and I don't know, but this time it felt different to before, I really did feel distraught and now feel like I will die alone. I mean, why should I bother? What is the point of life? What's the point of doing this blog?

Oh right, a sense of purpose I suppose. How Goddamn sad am I?

Anyway, after feeling sad then playing some Bloodbowl on the Xbox to distract me, I decided to watch 'Heaven's Soldiers', a South Korean film where soldiers from the North and South are forced to work together in order to survive and to help fend off a Japanese invasion with the help of a legendary general. A small summary, I recommend it, it's a great film.

But it did make me want to do this list. This list has been hovering around, but it's only today that I've finalised it. So while I'm feeling downhearted, at least I'm not these guys. Here's my top ten unluckiest bastards and bitches. What? Well have you ever heard a girl being called a bastard? And the only time a guy is called a bitch is when someone says "you'll be my bitch".

10. Sang-Wook - Heaven's Soldiers (2005)

I'll be honest, I'm not a hundred percent sure I've got the name right. I definitely saw the name in the subtitles when a character was talking to him, but either way, it's this guy (To the right).

And yes, I am starting of with 'Heaven's Soldiers'. After coming to terms with travelling back in time, after trying to train Yi Sun-Shin (Joong-Hoon Park, the same guy from the South Korean film 'Tidal Wave') into becoming the Admiral history says he is, the Korean soldiers are now taking the option to return to their own time. With the exception of the North Korea commander Kang, South Korea commander Park, and a couple of the other Korean soldiers. Basically these four.

Sang-Wook is tasked to look after Kim (Hyo-Jin Kong) as they make their way back to the present. Just before the...time vortex comes, a squadron of Japanese invaders attack. Sang-Wook goes to hold them off, and we see him get an arrow to the arm before the film cuts back to the main action.

Now, at this point we assume that Sang-Wook holds off the invaders for Kim to get away, but would be outnumbered and overpowered. This DOESN'T happen! When the film cuts back later, he has taken the arrow out of his arm and he is kicking arse! I bet if the terminator turned up Sang-Wook would rip it apart like tissue paper!

And then, when he has taken out the last soldier by breaking his neck, just as he's making his way back to the motor raft, WHACK! A random Japanese invader turns up and throws an axe into Sang-Wook into his back, killing him.

Dude! The guy survives all of that, and then when he's literally twenty seconds away from returning home, and then he's killed at the click of a finger. How cruel can you get?

9. Eok-Jo - Tidal Wave (2009)

Yes I am going back over 'Tidal Wave' from last month, here I'm focusing on one of the characters, Eok-Jo, or Choi's Uncle according to Wikipedia, who, if you can't remember who that was, was Man-Sik's uncle.

As we see during the film, Man-Sik doesn't want anything to do with his uncle, despite Eok-Jo's best efforts. You see, Eok-Jo wants to build a mall on the beach of Haeundae, which is opposed by many of the locals. Eok-Jo however does not want to go forward with the plans while Man-Sik and (Man-Sik's) love interest Yeon-Hee are there.

However when the tidal wave hits Man-Sik is swept away, most likely to his death. However Eok-Jo, who was in the area, grabs him and pulls him up a telephone pole, saving him. Wow, this looks great, it looks like they're finally going to reconcile, it looks like these two will finally...holy crap Eok-Jo just got crushed by a big heavy...thing.

Seriously, these two finally look like they're going to heal their relationship, and then Eok-Jo is killed off? We even get the heartbreak in the aftermath when Man-Sik and Yeon-Hee visit his memorial. Even one of the supporting cast members says he's unlucky. Or rather he's not the only unlucky one since Dong-Choon's mother wouldn't have been killed if she decided to go get her son some shoes.

Okay so both of those characters are really unlucky.

8. John Connor's Foster Parents - Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

Ah yes, these two. Granted I haven't seen the film for quite some time, so I can't really remember if the foster parents are good to John or bad. I seem to recall the foster dad being a jerk, and the foster mother being somewhat nice, but then again the young John Connor is a jerk so it's probably reasonable that the dad doesn't like him.

As we know from a Terminator film, an android has been sent from the future to kill Connor while he's a kid, since the plan to kill his mother failed. After being thwarted by the T-101, the more advanced T-1000 goes to the foster home, where he kills the foster parents, takes the form of the mother and tries to persuade Connor to go home. The T-101 instead takes Connor away.

So why are they unlucky? Because they virtually did nothing wrong! The only reason why they were killed off, was because of their connection to Connor. In fact, if Skynet hadn't sent the T-101 back in time, then Connor's father wouldn't have been sent back, Connor wouldn't have been born and the foster folks would have lived a much longer life.

Until they're killed by the rise of the machines anyway.

7. Christine Brown - Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Hello Alison Lohman, welcome to my list. Lohman plays Christine, a bank loan officer who refuses to grant Sylvia Ganush (Lorna Raver) an extension on her mortgage repayments, after Ganush already defaulted twice before.

So this apparently means she deserves to be cursed and sent to Hell to be tortured for all eternity. Yeah, all she did was her job, and this Ganush lady curses her. Heck, even when Ganush dies (Yes she dies a day later) she still torments Christine, basically beating her up as a hanky. Hell, the corpse of Ganush still manages to kick Christine's arse for a while.

And, while I am repeating what Phelous said in his review, the film acts like the refusal of the extension was a bad thing, especially when the granddaughter says Christine deserves everything that's coming to her. And yet Ganush getting the second extension was generous enough.

And then when Christine thought she got free of the curse when she gave the cursed object to Ganush's corpse, the obvious twist where she got the wrong envelope which the button was put in is revealed. So Christine is dragged to Hell and tortured for all eternity. And all because she did her job.

6. Ben - Night of the Living Dead (1968)

We go to quite possibly the best film the Master of Horror George A. Romero ever did, 'Night of the Living Dead'. Pretty much like all the other characters so far on this list, Ben (Duane Jones) goes through Hell in order to survive the night against the walking dead and Harry (Karl Hardman).

The zombie herd eventually get into the house while Ben and Harry fight each other, eventually culminating in Ben shooting Harry. Barbara is presumably consumed by her zombie brother and the horde, while Helen is stabbed to death by her zombie daughter. Ben manages to barricade himself in the basement, outlasting the night. Come morning, he hears gunshots. He goes up the stairs, opens up the barricade and looks out the window...."Hit him right between the eyes" BANG!

I actually think Ben is the original unluckiest bastard. In the iconic ending, if Ben had called out or if the group clearing out the zombies had bothered to check if the guy was a zombie, Ben would have survived. Then again it didn't seem to matter since the zombies still consumed America and the rest of the world.

5. Unlucky Bastard - The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Again, another guy who would have lived to a ripe old age if it weren't for the actions from another character. You see, Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard) has taken control of John Hammond's (Richard Attenborough) company, and plans to bring a whole list of dinosaurs from the abandoned Site B, but his team only succeeds in bringing a Tyrannosaurus Rex and its baby to San Diego.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex, however, breaks free and goes on a rampage, wrecking havoc on the streets of San Diego. One unlucky victim is this guy, played by the writer of the screenplay David Koepp. He runs from the T-Rex, but is separated from the main group of runnaways. He runs towards a door, tries to push it open, finds it goes the other way, and is eaten. If the door opened the other way, he probably would've survived the mistakes of idiots.

And you want to know how unlucky this guy is? I didn't give him the name 'Unlucky Bastard', the film actually credits him as that!

4. Jeff - Cabin Fever (2002)

As much as I now hate all the characters in this film (Except for Burt, I still like him), Jeff (Joey Kern) is still an unlucky bastard in this film. Why? Well while his friends and girlfriend-turned-ex all succumb to a flesh eating virus, Jeff does not contract the disease since he all he drinks is beer; the disease was in the water supply.

Jeff, for some reason, returns to the cabin and fins the bloody after math of the battle between his friends and the locals, and comes to two conclusions, one, they're all dead, and two, he made it. Jeff makes a point to announce this at the top of his lungs. We kind of have a dual reaction to this, we hate him because Jeff doesn't seem to care that his friends have died, but at the same time we know we'd probably react the same way if we survived.

Then Jeff is killed in a hail of bullets by the police. Which doesn't make sense! Not only did Jeff announce at a very high volume indicating that he's a survivor and not infected, but you came across Paul (Rider Strong) who WAS infected, and you let Winston (Giuseppe Andrews) dump him in the woods. IN THE WATER! Where two kids unknowingly infect the rest of the town, or village, or whatever these people live in. Then again I think the sheriff wanted Winston to kill Paul, but didn't realise he screwed it up.

But anyway, Jeff, he's smart enough to survive the flesh eating virus, but is killed by a police force who have selective hearing.

3. The People of Alderaan - Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

These guys don't even get a line, and the Empire commits genocide against them, that's how unlucky they are. You'll have to forgive me if I get details wrong, I haven't seen the film in years, as, shamefully, I don't have this in my collection. Well, okay I do, but in tape form and I no longer have a tape player.

Essentially the Empire has taken Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) prisoner, and have been torturing her in order to locate the Rebel hideout. Upon threatening to blow up Alderaan, Leia tells them, but he Empire blow up Alderaan anyway. Then it's learnt that Leia told them the location of an old Rebel base. So really, the Empire only followed through with their threat.

But the people of Alderaan are effectively the definition of 'unlucky bastard'. Can you imagine being on the planet? Going about their basic lives, and then suddenly KABOOM! Millions of voices crying out in terror, and then suddenly silenced. Here's an example.

Tom: Oh hello Mrs Dexter! How are you today?

Mrs Dexter: Why I'm great thank you Tom, what about you?

Tom: Not bad, not bad, I'm just on my way home. It's my son's birthday.

Mrs Dexter: Oh that's fantastic.

Tom: Yeah, I got him this cute little puppy, he's been begging for one for years. He'll be so hap(BOOM!)

2. Mitsuko Souma - Battle Royale, mainly the book

While Mitsuko was actually the second most dangerous person in the Program and one of the main villains, she is sooooooo unlucky. In fact, saying she was unlucky is a Goddamn understatement. While I am using the picture from the film (Mainly because I loved the film, especially the performance of the actress who plays Mitsuko), her background isn't really touched upon in it. Except in the extended version, which I haven't seen.

In the book though, we really see how fu*ked up her life was. When she was nine her mother was paid to not only let three men rape her, but to videotape it. Then when Mitsuko told her teacher about it, her TEACHER raped her! When her mother was once again paid for Mitsuko to be raped, she resisted and killed her mother. Mitsuko was sent to live with relatives...where she was molested. And that's just the novel.

In the manga, her stepfather subjected her to all sorts of abuse, and then she took abuse from her mother. In the extended version we see a flashback of a man attempting to molest her before Mitsuko pushed him down some stairs, which ended up killing him

Can you see why Mitsuko is unluck...screwed...has a fu*ked up life?

1. Hershel Greene - The Walking Dead, pretty much all mediums

Robert Kirkman, you really hate Hershel don't you? Why else did you inflict so much misery on him? We first meet Hershel, in different circumstances. In the comics and the TV series (Where he's played by Scott Wilson) we meet him when Carl is shot by Otis, in the game, we meet him when Lee is taken there by other survivors.

The first hint of Hershel's suffering comes in the game when his son Shawn is killed by walkers. Angry, he forces Lee and other survivors off his land and puts Shawn in the barn, which will become full of zombies as the days go by.

Going over to the comics when Rick and his group meet the Greene family and friends, we're introduced to Hershel's huge family, including Maggie, Lacey, Arnold, Billy and his youngest daughters Rachel and Susie. His friends include Otis and his girlfriend Patricia. Now, Hershel feels very strongly against killing the zombies. We already know a lot about zombies, we know they're gone and there's no coming back. Hershel doesn't know that, he thinks they're just sick and need medical treatment.

And as you turn the pages Hershel loses members of his family one by one. The first is Arnold when he defends Hershel from a zombie when the group open the door to the barn to put another zombie in, followed swiftly by Lacey. Realising his mistake, he reluctantly shoots his zombie-turning family members as well as the others, which basically destroys his spirit. He tells Rick his group will leave when Carl is fully healed, but kicks them off the farm when Rick's wife Lori kicks off.

When Rick and his group come across the Prison, and the four inmates who remained there when the zombie apocalypse occurred, Rick goes back to Hershel to invite them there. Hershel, having calmed down and had time to think, agrees and moves his family and Patricia (Otis is to follow later). Upon getting there Rachel and Susie go exploring, and are subsequently beheaded by one of the inmates, the insane Thomas Richards. Now, normally, I don't agree with killing the bad guys or inflicting torture on them, as it means the hero stoops down to the gutter level with the villain. Thomas Richards is the exception to the rule where he deserves being killed for what he did.

So that's four of his family killed. Don't worry, there's more. When Rick, Glenn, Michonne, and Martinez return from Woodbury after meeting the Governor (Spoiler warning fro season three) (With the exception of Martinez who works for the Governor), who is a psychopath, they find zombies had made their way into the prison compound, where Otis was killed.

Later the Governor and his troops find the Prison and launch an assault on the compound, killing Patricia in the process. When the Governor uses his fu*king tank to bring down the prison fences, Billy is shot dead by a Woodbury soldier. Hershel finally loses the will to live, despite his only other daughter Maggie still being alive. Knowing that her new husband Glenn would take care of her, Hershel slumps to the ground by his son's corpse, only saying "Dear God, just kill me". The Governor is only too happy to do so. Then there's the TV series where he had Maggie and new daughter Beth and her boyfriend Jimmy, his new wife Annette, Otis and his now wife Patricia, and of course his already dead now stepson Shawn. By the end of the series only Hershel and his daughters survived.

So really, can you not see why he is the unluckiest bastard of them all?

And there's my list. So while I'm downright saddened with my life right now, at least it isn't as bad as these guys.