Horrorvision (2001)

Wow, my one hundredth post. I can't believe I've made it, I can't believe that I managed to stick with it. Now, for my one hundredth post, I was thinking I should do something special. And so, I've decided to go with the 2001 film 'Horrorvision'. There will be spoilers

The plot...um, I'll be honest, I've got this one in the background while typing this up, and that's because I haven't a clue as to what the plot is. It's fairly easy to pick up, but it's just really dull and, at times, confusing. It lacks anything memorable, anything captivating.

The film is its own worst enemy, since it has long periods of virtually nothing happening. The opening credits was just one long shot of what I can only assume to be virtual reality, while the credits pop up one line at a time. The opening credits go on for four minutes, I kid you not, and there are several pieces which go over nothing for at least a minute; these include what appear to be a sight seeing tour of wherever we are, desert, and a flashback to scenes shown earlier in the film because the makers think you're stupid and have forgotten these scenes took place. I'll get back to this later.

Basically as I watch this, I can understand that the there's a website that kills people whenever they go to it. Or rather it sucks people into the computer. The plot doesn't make sense! Well, I suppose reading it out loud makes sense, but the actual portrayal is just confusing. This appears to be an anti-human film, since the film starts off with two characters complaining about a girl on the Disney Channel. I can only assume they were talking about 'Hannah Montana'. The guy, Dez (Jake Leonard), then goes on to say that he changed his landlord's user name to 'pigfuc*er', posted his credit card details online, and then emailed him a virus where everyone in his address book is sent porn. And we're not told why. Is the landlord a jerk? Is everyone in his email contacts complete and utter bastards? You apparently provide...something to what you call "perverts", so I'm guessing porn (Turns out I'm right). Why should we like you?

Toni (Brinke Stevens), the girl talking to Dez, says that it's not their fault that the world is sick, they just "entertain the madmen", before watching a news report where someone went on a murderous rampage, and the news crew are apparently allowed to walk onto the crime scene and film the dead corpses up close. Toni  clicks in a link to horrorvision, and is the subsequently attacked by cables and...sucked into the blaghole or something.

Dez and his girlfriend Dazzy (Maggie Rose Fleck) go over to Toni's, break into the apartment and find she isn't there. When Dez actually gets out his tools for breaking in, he says he isn't returning to his "anarchy" ways and that it's only for emergencies. It's just a CD! It's not exactly an emergency! And apparently you're not officially breaking and entering until you call out. But when the film is boring you with the little bits about the film, it's boring you with every single other scene. In fairness it provides...some character development, like saying Dez is trying to write a screenplay and Dazzy offering to pay the bills while he does so he can get out of the bondage website, which is immediately disregarded in the next scene when its shown he isn't working on the screenplay, but the Goddamn website! And maybe if he had worked on the screenplay, he wouldn't have come across Horrorvision and his Dazzy wouldn't have been absorbed into it.

And it's here Horrorvision gives us a message, "the human race is a ludicrous mistake...a cancer that devours itself along with everything in its path...the destroyer must itself be destroyed". And the reason why Dez gets this message and no-one else, is because he's the main character. After this Dez returns to Toni's, where he finds a prostitute has broken into Toni's (But it's all right, it's not officially breaking and entering until she calls out). Upon learning virtually nothing from the hooker and being chased by her and her friend with a...stick (Leaving the guy she (With the...stick) was beating). But it's here that we meet up with the Morpheus rip-off, Bradbury (Played by James Black). Bradbury seems to have had experience with horrorvision, don't know why, he just does.

Right after this we get yet another montage of Dez driving, seriously if you took all these pointless montages out of the film, this hour and twelve minute film would be lucky to reach the forty-five minute mark. And this montage where we also get a flashback of the times between Dez and Dazzy (Including one point when the film fades into the same shot), and the filmmakers really do think the audience are idiots and have forgotten this, because these scenes only happened withing the last half an hour! Yeah, we haven't even reached the half hour mark yet! There was even a pointless scene earlier of someone fiddling about with what appeared to be the prototype for the xbox controller, for NO REASON. Does he turn up again? Did he have a point to the overall plot? No! We do also get quite a fixation on two guys beating each other, or pretending that the punches connect anyway. And I found THAT more interesting! Mainly because it was hilarious to watch, but also because I wanted to know why they were fighting, I wanted to know who they were, I wanted to know what their story was, it's more fascinating than what was actually going on!

Dez takes refuge in a random hotel, because apparently he can't go back home. Though we are introduced to Schizo the hotel clerk (Chuck Williams) who, again, is much more entertaining than our actual main character. Though I think Schizo should call the police when Dez grabs hold of the guy, since the term is actually unwanted contact. Then again America might completely have a different legal term for assault. Hell, Dez flicks on a couple of films which I would actually prefer to watch. He also puts on a news report which takes place "Just a few minutes away from yesterday's killing spree" (Which is probably why the background is the exact same as the last news report) where a third mass murder has occurred. I repeat, the third mass murder. And these are completely unrelated events, they have no connection to each other whatsoever, is this film in the same universe as 'Southland Tales'? Is the Earth's rotation slowing down making people insane? Why else would these events happen so close to one another?

Dez gets attacked at the hotel since horrorvision can apparently transmit machines through wireless technology, and the sphere centipede it sends through actually attacks him with the dial-up modem. Schizo bites the dust and Dez is saved by Bradbury, Bradbury saying that Dez might as well load his enemy's gun and hand it to him, then again if Bradbury told him that horrorvision uses wireless, then Dez wouldn't have taken anything wireless with him. The film then tries to go into another montage before Dez interrupts to start yelling and asking what's going on. Apparently Dez decided to wait a while before flipping. Bradbury explains that Dez saw Manifesto...wait, Manifesto? You mean a written documentation of motives or views normally done by a political party? Really?

Anyway, Bradbury takes Dez to the place where horrorvision is apparently based. Finding Synth (Josh Covitt), who is here...because he's here. And it's here where things get confusing, since Dez seems more concerned on finding Toni then Dazzy. Isn't Dazzy your girlfriend? Anyway, the three guys move on (With the film thinking the same shot of the door they just came through is the next door they need to go through), we find Wetwire (David Bartholomew Greathouse). Wow. Really. You went with that design and name? That wouldn't scare a five year old. Anyway, Wetwire explains that horrorvision cannot be shut down since it's now on the internet. He also explains that he has downloaded every single person which horrorvision has absorbed. And the characters seemed more conerned with Toni's data file than Dazzy's. But the bizarre thing about this scene is what's the point in saving them? You are literally saving them. What happened to humanity must be destroyed? Wetwire says their souls aren't stored, but seriously, you're literally saving them.

After Synth is killed by a slight burn and some scratches to the face and Wetwire gets shot, and Dez gets humped by a sphere centipede, Dez gets a pointless scene where he thinks it was all a dream. But in reality Bradbury got him out and they are now driving in the desert. Bradbury then says that two more mass murders have occurred "there's a trail of blood in every city across this country. The world has gone mad", with Dez saying that "It's inevitable".

Okay, WHAT THE FU*K?! Seriously, this thirty seconds of dialogue really pisses me off! Firstly, Bradbury says "this country" and apparently that means the rest of world is doing this too! Secondly, what's with all the mass murders?! Maybe Bradbury's right, maybe the world has gone nuts, because this doesn't happen! You do not get five, that's right, FIVE unconnected mass murders in the space of TWO DAYS! If the film blamed it on horrorvision, I'd get that, but it isn't, it's saying that apparently all of humanity will inevitably snap and kill basically everyone!

Moving on. After yet ANOTHER montage, this time of Bradbury and Dez just driving aimlessly in the desert (Weren't you fighting an evil website a moment ago?), with many shots of the desert with rubbish all over the place, as well as a random dead body. And it was when I was watching this for the second time with the Curator of Movie Vault 666 that it finally hit me; this, is an ENVIRONMENTAL film. It all makes sense now! The buildings and telephone wire poles which have ravaged the landscapes, the litter spewing about the land, it's all to do with the environment! And the cause of it all? HUMANS! The human filth where man hates his own brother, where violence dominates every day life, where people kill each other over love, money, religion and politics, which takes everything for granted, that's what this film is! It's a message that humanity is a self-destructive force that must change its ways or suffer its inevitable end.

Or it could all be completely and utterly STUPID! Horrorvision is apparently Skynet, since no-one actually uploaded it to the internet, actually it's not even Skynet since apparently no-one even CREATED it! It says humanity must be destroyed, and yet it uses something which wouldn't even exist without humanity. Bradbury says that the governments and religious movements were too busy going after threats like TV violence and pornography that they let the dangerous ideas pass by, you know, like killer websites! Why didn't they see THAT one coming?!

Okay, that's it, I'm wrapping this up, Bradbury says that he and Dez are the chosen ones who are destined to fight horrorvision, references Star Wars and reminding me of better films, but because Dez is an idiot and has an apparently watch which can connect to the wireless in the middle of a wasteland, another horrorvision monster (Which is apparently Manifesto himself) comes along. Dez manages to destroy the watch,  which apparently is highly resistant to rocks and boots, but Bradbury dies. Bradbury gives a list of apparently other people who survived seeing the horrorvision website and Dez walks off in the middle of the desert with no food or water to his inevitable death, while the horrorvision website most likely succeeds in saving all of mankind.

Oh my God this was stupid. The acting was actually pretty decent and the monsters movements were really good I'll give the film that, but everything else was just horrendous. The actually effects were bad, the characters are dull, with most of the characters not serving any point, half the lines are mumbled, and the plot is incredibly slow and uninteresting. I have read some other reviews which said the film has many fresh ideas, which it doesn't. The plot of man vs machines was already done in the 'Terminator' films, the idea of being the chosen one was already done in 'The Matrix' (At least 'Horrorvision' has more lively actors that 'The Matrix', killer websites came from the Japanese, nothing from this film is original.

Would I watch it again though? Apparently I would, but it's more because this film is so forgettable than anything else. Watching it with at least one other person with drinks makes it more watchable but the film overall is just a mess. It doesn't know what it wants to be, it seemed the script was written for a short film but was ordered to be a full feature, and it's implied to be a horror but plays off more as a sci-fi. And the worse thing is, the ending is sequel baiting. Maybe the film makers will learn from the mistakes of this film if they ever decide to green light *shudders* a sequel. But if you do want to watch this, get some mates for a laugh and buy vast quantities of booze.

Still, at least it's better than 'Battleship.