Sx_Tape (2014)

It seems like an appropriate time doesn't it? I mean, Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel's new film 'Sex Tape' is coming out soon (in the UK), Tulisa Contostavlos was involved in a sex tape recently, and heck, yesterday naked photos were leaked/hacked from numerous celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence. Speaking of which, I don't like what has happened to her. At all. You'd think I would, I think Miss Lawrence is one of the most beautiful, funny, and smart women on the planet. These leaked images, not just of her but of all the other people who have had their private photos effectively stolen and published without their consent, is a despicable act and a violation of their civil rights, an act that should not be tolerated.

With that out of the way let's look at 'Sx_Tape'. And I absolutely refuse to call this film sex tape, the name of this film is "S X underscore Tape".

Here we find Jill (Caitlyn Folley) and Adam (Ian Duncan), a couple who are EXTREME risk takers. Jill though is also an artist while Adam is a filmmaker who wants to make a film about Jill. He jokes about doing a sex tape to get her art noticed (hey all you struggling artists, THIS is how you succeed in life!), which eventually leads to them filming a sex tape in an abandoned hospital. Because why the fuck not? Of course the hospital is not completely abandoned. There's a supernatural presence who our characters royally piss off. Which is understandable, I'd be pretty angry if some random couple broke into my home just to have sex.

And if these two had watched 'Paranormal Incident 2' they'd have known that the building was haunted. No, seriously

Here's the shot of the building in 'Sx_tape'

And here it is in 'Paranormal Incident 2'. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING BUILDING! Most people, you know, they go "oh I recognise that actor/actress, I saw him/her in this film", not me, oh no no, I go "hey, I recognise that building, I saw that in this piece of shit!".

I in all honesty don't know where to start with this. I should probably start off with, "I hate it". There's no going round the mulberry bush, no need to try and obscure it until the end, this film is pure and utter garbage. I didn't even realise until the filming of the 'Within the Woods' review (which is done and will be out shortly) how much I hated it when I held up the filming to show them bits of the film and complain about it.

And one of the major problems is the characters, I don't care about them. Hell, the two major characters who we pretty spend the entire film with we learn virtually nothing about them. These characters are so unsympathetic, so annoying, so self-absorbed, so downright unlikable, that you they don't even register as a footnote in this film. You watch them bounce around the screen and feel nothing for them. You don't hope they die, you don't hope they live, you watch them and don't care where the journey ends. The two leads spend the first thirty odd minutes wandering around, and then two minor characters show up, the new girl Ellie (Diana Garcia) who is so unmemorable I had to look up her name, and Bobby (Chris Coy) who, actually I'll take back what I said earlier, you will hate this guy.

Oh and of course this film is about a sex tape, so it's the perfect excuse for the lead bimbo girl to get her boobs out. At one point she is stark naked. We only see her from behind, but she is facing a window with a street underneath, but you still get plenty of ass and breast shots with Caitlyn Folley. What does all this nudity do for the film you may ask? Absolutely nothing! It just means there's about five times more boobs then a normal horror film would have! The whole sex tape premise could have been taken out, and we'd just be left with another 'Grave Encounters' or another 'Paranormal Incident', heck in a way we still have that!

And now we come onto the ghost (Julie Marcus), the one and only ghost in this film. Who, actually now that I think about it, is onscreen for about five minutes. AND ISN'T SCARY. In fact, I don't actually recall this film doing any scares, at all. If you look on the wikipedia article on this, you will see it say that it says the ghost "systematically terrorises them". This is NOT what happens. The characters slowly approach her and she disappears. The characters go down the corridor, she runs off, she is not terrorising the characters, she is literally RUNNING AWAY.

The acting....the acting...oh God I think I just found a positive. I can't actually think of anything bad to say about the acting, probably because my hatred was at everything else. That being said, I can't say anyone really stands out, no particular individual comes to mind when thinking who was the...best. Apart from Miss Folley, but that's mainly because she's the main focus of the film, the camera is in her face for a majority of the film.

Back to a negative, there's little to no effects in this film. Which is understandable for a low budget venture. These normally come into effect whenever the ghost affects the camera, which include turning the screen green and the odd bit static. I suppose in all fairness they did alright on a low budget, but at the same time nothing new has been brought to the screen.

I just realised I haven't really gone into depth about the story, but then again do I need to? Let's film a sex tape in an abandoned hospital, how is that ever a good idea? Let's spend the beginning of this film NOT making you care about the characters. And even when things are actually up and running, there's still a feeling that nothing is really happening, for the most part this film just involves pandering around. And also, for whatever reason, this building that has been in disrepair for goodness knows how long, still has power and water. When a film is supposed to look into the sexual abuse of female patients in institutions and fails to make any sense, something has gone wrong.

So. In case you didn't quite get it, I hate this movie. This movie is a blight on the film industry. For one positive you find, there's about ten negatives to swamp it and make it disappear. I cannot fathom why a writer would create characters so unlikable, or design a story to be so dull. If you want to waste part of your life watching a film where the only highlight is recognising a God damn building from another film, this is the movie for you.